Goodbye, 14yellow.

My new tattoo on my right ribcage :) It's going to be super awesome!Painting that was inspired by B's strength as a woman!

I've been strengthening my tolerance to alcohol quite successfully lately, and through this process, have met some beautifully gorgeous and put together people, the type of people who I wouldn't categorize as such after the first few times meeting them. But yes, beautifully gorgeous and put together.

I guess I could say I am infatuated and curious, but to honestly pursue this would result in chaos with my personal state at the moment. It's been fun. I've been dolling myself up and driving around LA and OC meeting people at my pace, smiling and dancing and singing until the night is over, ending it all with an awesomely delicious In N Out burger and memorably honest and sexy conversations with desirable men. If I could, I'd put myself in one particular man's pocket and be with him all day. Sounds like codependency to me, so I stopped it before the self-destruction happened again (OK he stopped it. LOL). But his voice, and confidence... and the way he steps into a room... I feel like he commands respect without even trying, and he looks so darn smoking in a suit. Every time I think about him in a suit I need to wipe a tiny bit a drool from the side of my lip. Silly girl.

Dr. M straight up asked me, "Why did it take so long to reach this conclusion?" It's fear, of course. I am scared of hurting others with my choices for personal happiness. He acknowledged this as how a disappointing majority of the population thinks. We are so scared to make ourselves happy, fearing that this choice will affect others negatively... so negative that it outweighs our desires to be happy.

I feel like this is a gigantic hurdle that will catalyze more growth for me. Sexy M, not Dr. M, told me I need to hit rock bottom before I can rebuild myself, and see what I want next. He swears my tastes will become clearer and at the end of this process I'll want to be with a man better than him. We'll see. Maybe I will, and maybe I won't. Reminds self of the sexy suit. So hot, so, so hot.

High School B has grown so much since we've really had time to talk. I respect her greatly, and feel so lucky to have her as support and a model of a strong female. She has totally got her shit together, emotionally, financially, spiritually... she is the entire package. She has not compromised herself at all to get where she is, and she hasn't let a man or any one else in her life manipulate her emotions for their personal gain. That will be a goal for me this year. I want to become an emotionally stronger person, choose myself over others and be at peace with my choices for happiness.

I've been exercising every day and gradually adding more to the regiment. I feel like I'm in one of those feel good movies where the protagonist is conquering her emotions and winning in life haha. I've been running back and forth at the park across the street singing and dancing to electronic music as I run in my little corner of grassy serenity, and swinging on my swing. I've painted so many new paintings, either fueled by desire for men I am not ready to pursue, or sweet memories of good friendships. I've been closing my eyes and envisioning new drawings and actually have been able to transfer the images as I see them in my mind onto paper. It's something I've been having difficulty with for the longest time, and yet I have met success! My thoughts flow more freely and I feel more alive. I feel like I can drive off into the desert at any moment with my artist cousin and capture the loveliness of a desert sunrise.

I feel like I am me again, and I will remember not to compromise my emotions for some one else's happiness, even if it will hurt that person. I will not do that to myself again. I will also remember to cut the ties quickly so there will be less pain for both parties involved.

Thanks for reading. I hope you have a wonderful life of growth and fulfillment!

2011.

i've had opportunity to reflect on my life in terms of emotional awareness, memory and self. M confirmed my intentional short-term memory not being able to process events. my trauma may not be considered this to others, but it is my perception. he said it's my defense mechanism to survive. the thing is, when i had my depressed episodes for most of my life, let's say from the age of nine to twenty three, i can vividly recall memories that were linked to negatively potent emotion. if i weren't able to "shut down" during these emotionally straining events, i think i would be more of a mess than i am now. during my late teens, or maybe twenty i started feeling these emotional highs, and i just thought it's something most college kids feel... this sense of empowerment and invincibility. i did have inflated self-esteem and purpose. it felt nice. i was on this mission of art, passion and raising my army of little girls who would grow into confident, productive women.

I'm guessing the inflated self worth combined with quickly recurring weekends of fear and anxiety go hand-in-hand, just like the Dune song. I don't know if i could ever describe the feeling... i would cry and panic about not being able to scrub the tiles of the apartment well enough. i would clean in an empty apartment with the lights off and feel guilty for being where i was, and ashamed for needing to do this. my hands and fingers would itch, feel pain if i didn't have something for them to do. there was this build up of pressure in my chest and forehead constantly, and the movement of my hands, creating "order" seemed to alleviate this self-imposed stress.

i was misdiagnosed twice. antidepressants made me worse, and the sad thing about this is i had to wait for the right diagnosis simply because of how it works. i read up on this and as much as i dislike being categorized, i see my pattern of behavior and emotion is text-book. it's a relief to know others have had this enough for it to be written about. it feels nice to belong somewhere others can support you and not say, "there's nothing wrong, you're just a little too sensitive." it's wonderful to know i'm not making excuses when i'm not fully functional and there are tools for my growth. It's nice to have someone on my side. I've felt alone for so long. it just hurts to feel these emotions and never be able to just feel like i'm normal and it will pass. I didn't like hiding away and not being able to verbalize how i felt because of some out lash i'd receive from someone who just did not understand people are different.

I still feel alone, but I know it will get better.











sometimes i believe it.

so 2011. 2011 has welcomed me with an increase in anxiety and paranoia laced with pounding blood vessels throughout my brain. blurred vision and dizziness. abdominal pains and infection. these i can bear. the only thing i wish i didn't have to experience is this lack of passion, and numbness in my brain. i have an exam in a few hours and frankly, i don't care. i don't feel like it matters any more. i've been forgetting minute tasks throughout my day and feel out of place. my memory is becoming worse than before. i've had to put aside my pain to listen to others about how my sadness affects them. i've had to feel ashamed for impacting their lives because they cannot cope with my sadness. i've had to hide this sadness forever because instead of support i'd get anger and resentment. i'd get sarcasm (why do you still feel this way? get over it) so right now i'll continue hiding with this emotion until we all become desensitized a teeny bit more.

this is a down post LOL. i am sure in a few weeks i will be as upbeat and positive as others have seen me before.

heavy

Daylight lasts a tiny bit longer, now that the season is changing. Thirty extra minutes of sparkle kissing the edges of the pink and purple clouds as they turn into this chilling reminder of love turned into a psychotic breakdown lilac clouds actually gives me peace. It gives me a peace that I have been yearning for. -So long-

And of course with this fragment of bliss comes my familiar, Sadness. She's been kind to me this year--I can say that we've had this silent understanding and mutual respect for one another. I don't think I've had an episode where I've let her win for long. It could just be my continuous short-term memory protecting me, gotta love hypomnesia (I found the term and condition to be shared with a fellow artist, one whom I think has more of a right to claim than I do. Think: child of war.)

I haven't verbalized the heaviness on my heart, pressure between my eyes, and desires to destroy my self-containment for a few years. I've been able to handle it ^_^. But tonight, I'm allowing myself a release from control. My entire life I've searched for methods to control the world around me when my thoughts and emotions did not 'match' my ideals for myself. My entire life I've sat frozen repeating maladaptive thoughts, words that became my conscience for years, damaging words and created a pattern of life that I am unable to completely abandon. Even though I have tried, to learn. And tried so hard, to find strength and control. And tried so hard to find peace with myself, peace with my past and peace with those who have hurt me, those who watched it happen and let it go because mental illness is not real.

It goes away with age and silence.

I have been trying, and I have beaten Her down to a bloody pulp countless times. But she's a bitch and is quite resilient. She stays hidden, lingering around the few memories I have left of my life, and when those memories are triggered, it's like her battle cry. She is ready and I am left defenseless.

I feel torn and exhausted. Is it even worth bringing up now, as an adult with the ability to speak level-headedly, when my own mother has never modeled appropriate displays of emotion? Asian women have no emotion. We are quiet, stoic creatures. Asian-American women are torn, as are many hyphenated Americans. We're born into two worlds and must conform to the rules of both in order to maintain balance. Impossible! I am sure most of us have or will have the internal conflicts and choose.

I have chosen my balance, and I am working on my peace. It was just a little tougher today.

remembering who i am

I am an artist. I may be a teacher and a mentor and a student, but i feel it within every cell of my body--i will always be an artist first. If i had to choose one word to identify with, it would be artist. I see the beauty of this world, in nature, in people, in the air that we breathe, the quiet of sleeping children, the energy of discovery in life for all ages, it is all art. The sadness in everyday struggles for survival, the enthusiasm of shared accomplishments, they are all beautiful events that make this world so sometimes unbearably emotional to live in lol. I'll take it all, even the hard times like right now.

I can't pick and choose, but I can learn to accept, forgive and move forward. I've accepted how I tend to choose solitude, yet am very social. It drains me either way. I love both. I accept my poor memory, but it does not mean I can act carelessly because I will probably forget. I have just accepted it. Nothing more nothing less. I have accepted that I need to step it up to get into grad school. I've learned a multitude of tools to run a developmental center with my current job, but I need to be srs with my application for the next year. Sooner or later I'll need to work more than learn lol.

I saw Tegan and Sara, Tiesto videos today and the music, the bass, the loudness of it all!!!! reminded me that I am an artist, and I need to live like one. I cannot deny who I was born to be. Painting and drawing can do so much... because we have only so much wallspace to cover lol. I need to remember how to see this world in all its wonderous magic. I need to throw a few more items of clothes away, box some others for sentimental reasons and have an artist makeover :D YAY

poor episodic memory

My siblings and I were watching I Am Legend yesterday, and I was describing the movie in my own perspective. I asked my brother if he's seen it before, and he said we watched it together in the movie theatre. My sister and E have also commented on how poor my recollection is, and it's starting to scare me. I know I don't remember events in my life vividly unless they were severely emotional experiences. My procedural memory is amazing, and my love of school continues to show how functional this memory is for me.

A classmate in my physiological psych class brought these journals about selective memory last year and it tries to find answers to why some people have the ability to "erase" memories. I have my own hypothesis using what I've learned about the brain: my amygdala focused on negative experiences for my survival as a child, and it's a pattern that I cannot fix. Throughout my life I've developed maladaptive behaviors (OCD) when exposed to similar negative or anxiety producing situations and as an adult who has finally learned productive methods of coping and acceptance for these past experiences and present similar situations... I am stuck.

I was boggled for years with why I don't remember people in my life, even if I know for certain we were good friends. My brain is just wired strangely when it comes to choosing which types of memories are going to be kept. I'm worried if this continues, I won't be able to remember happier moments, like when my child is born. We watched home videos together the other day and I'm trying to pair people with memories, but it's quite difficult. I remember when my cousins were in pain, or when something sad happened when we were together, but I don't remember doing anything fun or happy with them. I'm not trying to find memories. A professor once said sometimes memories are suppressed for a reason. It's a way for us to cope and move onward with our lives. Sometimes digging in the past will take you somewhere you don't want to be. I'm just trying to stop this pattern before I end up like Memento. That's way too creepy and exaggerated, but you know what I mean.

June not so gloomy!

It's been cloudy and not so hot, so I'm enjoying this presummer chill ^__^. I was speaking to my mom about preschool children and my new job, and she's happy that I'm happy so that makes me happy to see her happy that I am too lol. I described these fraternal boy and girl twins at the center and she told me about how my brother and I were when we were little. She said my brother was clingy to the teacher, adored her, but as for me, I could care less. I did my thing and walked from one center to the other. She said I've always been independent, and that made me smile. It's funny how it took me years to understand the circumstances that created who I am, and how my personality adjusted to these catalysts. I always wanted a mom who was a mom, but I am sure if I had one when I "wanted" it, I would not benefit from all that I've discovered on my own. I am happy to be a person who will not be a victim, and someone who is learning to forgive others. I spoke to my professor about forgiveness and happiness, and he agrees that it is one of the most difficult things to do in this lifetime.

I am thankful of learning from others, and for being realistic enough to know that I do not know it all, and everyone has something to offer me. I am grateful for my mother's growth as well. She has taken the time to discover herself, and I'm energized to see how much she is learning about this new person and having peace with her. It's something I've wanted for the women in my family for a long time--peace with oneself.

So, the women I work with are living hard times. I won't even explain, it's just hard. One thing I will comment on though, is something my friend could not empathize with: these women choose to stay in relationships that demean them. He just couldn't get it. I agreed that a woman who respects herself will not be in a relationship that is harmful to her well-being, but I can empathize with those who do not value themselves as highly as they should. And it got me sad. It just fueled my fire to get that women's support group started as soon as I can. I cannot wait. Sometimes all we need is some knowledge and a friend.

Happiness Daily Exercise

Everyday I will try to list five things, great or small, that I am grateful for.
1.) potatoes
2.) seeing my niece and nephew
3.) seeing my grandfather healthy
4.) celebrating my partner's birthday with cousins
5.) having time to vent frustrations openly

I am currently reading The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky, which was recommended by my professor, a Positive Psychology advocate. We'll see how things go :)