There is this funny disconnect with my blogging, and wanting others to understand me better through reading my thoughts, yet never directly asking anyone significant in my life to do so. The thoughts are just here, I secretly wish people in my life would read it, but a part of me does fear their judgment. A part of me secretly wants them to see the world how I do, yet I already know our values and acceptance of other perspectives are not as flexible as mine. And it's not wrong, it's just different, and I will respect that. So here are my thoughts, for ten years! I should have some one-person celebration lol. 10 year anniversary woot! I've never had one yet.
Another reason for blogging was I guess, due to my former passive aggressive personality traits, I had kept all my emotions inside never addressing them or working towards understanding my true self. Blogging helped me rationalize my maladaptive thought process and the negative emotions that resulted in them, and the negative life experiences (or lack of life experience due to fear) that resulted from that. It's cheap therapy. As long as the person seeks knowledge and appropriately applies it to ones own life without trying to "convert" others into believing things, I think the search for self and peace will be successful. I was a hardheaded preachy savior complex ridden college kid. Some of the preachiness lingers, only because I'm so passionate about learning unmedicated methods of healing, but I admit and accept when I'm being an ass. My partner will remind me when it's time to shut it lol. My past preachiness came from many things: not wanting children to experience unneeded pain from stupid parents (I wanted to fix my past by preventing pain in their lives), having a friend commit suicide and then another die in a car accident months later with no models of coping.
My parents never taught me about grief, mourning or coping with life's events. I don't blame them, and it's taken me years to understand that after a certain age, I can either stay like this and blame others and search for the "whys" I turned out this way, or I can accept it, search for ways of positive growth, and move on with my life a better person. When K died though, I wanted to relive his life, up to the point of suicide. I just learned that this is a very common step loved ones of murder victims and those who comit suicide do. They retrace the steps of murder or suicide thinking that this will bring closure, or a better understanding of the death. A reverand stated that this grief can last a lifetime because instead of addressing the pain, they took the route of revenge or suicide themselves. So, people need to address pain, accept loss and live life fully. It's not feeling guilty to be alive, it's living with people's memories instead of constant wishing they were still here. It's cheesy, but the person who died would want you to be happy, not forgetting them, but be happy.
The video also mentioned how some feel like letting go of the pain means letting go of this relationship with the person who died. Personally, I believe it. I have experienced being comfortable with depression because it was the strongest emotion that linked me to K. Looking back, I wish those Psychologists at the school I was at took me through the steps of grief, told me everyone grieves in their own way and where to go for resources. No one is perfect, I was sad for a friggin long time, but I'm ok now. I shouldn't hold grudges, I'm just hoping others will get the resources they need when tragedies happen. So if you're experiencing loss, finding a support group of nonjudging people is a good step. Family and friends sometimes don't know what to say because they're uncomfortable with the topic, or they don't want to hurt you. Silence doesn't mean they don't care, it just means they don't know what to say. Sometimes we need to tell people what we need. We're not perfect. I hope everyone will learn to cope with loss, and that the world in general will become more open to talking about it. It's less likely for us to be fearful of things we know than things we do not. <3
Another reason for blogging was I guess, due to my former passive aggressive personality traits, I had kept all my emotions inside never addressing them or working towards understanding my true self. Blogging helped me rationalize my maladaptive thought process and the negative emotions that resulted in them, and the negative life experiences (or lack of life experience due to fear) that resulted from that. It's cheap therapy. As long as the person seeks knowledge and appropriately applies it to ones own life without trying to "convert" others into believing things, I think the search for self and peace will be successful. I was a hardheaded preachy savior complex ridden college kid. Some of the preachiness lingers, only because I'm so passionate about learning unmedicated methods of healing, but I admit and accept when I'm being an ass. My partner will remind me when it's time to shut it lol. My past preachiness came from many things: not wanting children to experience unneeded pain from stupid parents (I wanted to fix my past by preventing pain in their lives), having a friend commit suicide and then another die in a car accident months later with no models of coping.
My parents never taught me about grief, mourning or coping with life's events. I don't blame them, and it's taken me years to understand that after a certain age, I can either stay like this and blame others and search for the "whys" I turned out this way, or I can accept it, search for ways of positive growth, and move on with my life a better person. When K died though, I wanted to relive his life, up to the point of suicide. I just learned that this is a very common step loved ones of murder victims and those who comit suicide do. They retrace the steps of murder or suicide thinking that this will bring closure, or a better understanding of the death. A reverand stated that this grief can last a lifetime because instead of addressing the pain, they took the route of revenge or suicide themselves. So, people need to address pain, accept loss and live life fully. It's not feeling guilty to be alive, it's living with people's memories instead of constant wishing they were still here. It's cheesy, but the person who died would want you to be happy, not forgetting them, but be happy.
The video also mentioned how some feel like letting go of the pain means letting go of this relationship with the person who died. Personally, I believe it. I have experienced being comfortable with depression because it was the strongest emotion that linked me to K. Looking back, I wish those Psychologists at the school I was at took me through the steps of grief, told me everyone grieves in their own way and where to go for resources. No one is perfect, I was sad for a friggin long time, but I'm ok now. I shouldn't hold grudges, I'm just hoping others will get the resources they need when tragedies happen. So if you're experiencing loss, finding a support group of nonjudging people is a good step. Family and friends sometimes don't know what to say because they're uncomfortable with the topic, or they don't want to hurt you. Silence doesn't mean they don't care, it just means they don't know what to say. Sometimes we need to tell people what we need. We're not perfect. I hope everyone will learn to cope with loss, and that the world in general will become more open to talking about it. It's less likely for us to be fearful of things we know than things we do not. <3
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