starting over again

"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth."

Benjamin Disraeli
British politician (1804 - 1881)

Happy 2010! I am fortunate to have a partner who is willing to take risks in life with me. And I need to know when there is no point in fighting for something I will never win. The logic and perspectives are not matching, so there is no use explaining. It turns out I will not be that boomerang kid like so many others. We are starting over financially. He told me, "At least you're living honestly," and how karma will brighten my days in the future. I wish I believed in it lol. Instead, I will continue with this endless search for employment. I will continue with losing money every month for the satisfaction of living on my own, and keeping the intimacy with my partner alive. We will be ok, and we both gave our word to work towards a positive future. We were in the kitchen making dinner tonight and he reminded me, "At least we're smiling and have each other." It does mean a lot to me, to have someone to remind me that things are always fluid, constantly changing, no matter how difficult it seems.

I have enough money to pay for grad school. And I am getting my application ready to send. I'm still sad about the future financial struggles that lie ahead, but fortunately for us we really are poor hippies. The free things in life really are the best when you're forced to search for them.

whining

A woman whom I was a hospice volunteer for had just passed away. It's so much bigger than my gripes about money--it's life or death.

I'm slowly getting it. And I can't be mad at other people who have no empathy, selfish people who lie to their parents or cannot imagine how difficult my situation is yet not extend their empathy. I get it. This world is not full of people like me. It will not always be warm, giving, understanding, tolerable, or kind. I get it.

Not receiving help... I don't think that's my issue. I think it's the acknowledgment that I am doing okay with my partner even though it has been tough. We, the two hippies, are doing alright despite my family's values about money, and despite my background growing up with money. I feel like a person should not live beyond her means.

Here we go: the real reason. And it took some time to reason to it, huh? I feel like an outcast, and I am tired of having to try to appease others' anger about not understanding or believing that i do NOT need money, that I am doing well living my life as a lifelong student, working with children for low pay, and volunteering with old people who tell awesome stories. My beliefs of happiness outweigh my desires to be wealthy. It has always been this way, yet my family cannot let it go. They fear that I will be a financial burden in the future, yet there is no proof. I have been fine on my own for years. I wish the projection would be aimed at the right person.

I feel like it's completely unfair for me to pay for my parent's mortgages when I haven't fully lived my own life. Hell, I don't even have a family of my own. I don't have any money to spare. My mother waited until she was 35 to have me--I wish she could extend me the same timeline before I had to give up part of my dreams, dreams which require money, to take care of her. It's no fun being in a sandwich generation. If I have to pay for their mortgages, and supplement her lousy retirement pay, I'm not going to have children. FORGET IT.

I would be an awesome parent. People have told me this for years, and parents remind me that I will be when they see how successful I am with their children. This stress and unwanted burden will push me over the edge, and perhaps we will adopt in the future. As for now, I'm not having children. I feel like it's such a waste of my knowledge and experience to have it thrown away because of this added responsibility. Ah, experiencing another loss of a dream.

I will be okay. My partner and I will figure something out. For now, I'm sad, and a little spiteful. Life isn't always fair, and I will find another dream to fulfill. Patience is one of my strengths, and I am thankful to have it grow every year I work with children or the elderly.

discovering myself

My dad called and it sparked a huge fight with my partner and I. It was funny because we both knew I redirected my frustrations onto the wrong person, but I really needed to verbalize my fears. Dad told me to "hurry up" with school. Well, it's not that easy when I have no models nor support within the family to make this a reality. No one's shown me, and I do feel lost. I've learned more of my direction with every job and class I've taken, and every mentor and child I've met along this journey, but I took a personal blow when my dad expressed his anxiety over my future. I even looked over my FaceBook friends list to see how many people are currently pursuing their Master's, PhDs or finishing up college. I got 35 friends. Most are my age--27 or 28 so it felt nice to be in good company. I wish I could explain to my parents that I am okay, and I don't view money the same way as they do--I'm a hippy artist. I am so grateful to have had the time to process my thoughts and focus on a dream. I know not many people get to realize this until later in life.

I also understand it's something a parent, no matter how old, will ever stop doing. It's innate or something. Parents worry about their children. I want to open up my brain and have a power point of all my ideas, goals and detailed plans I have for achieving them. It's a difference in generations too I think. I don't see the purpose of work as a means to purely make money and buy all the things I need, or to be secure. Sure, I will work to get the bills paid, but I see work as a definition of myself when possible, and I am going to take all this experience to become something so amazing for this world.

I scheduled three part-time jobs, my stats class and hopefully meetings with a counselor to get some more guidance back into my life. I had to drop Hospice volunteering because the early hours limited my availability for work. I'm hoping I can do some afternoon bereavement call volunteering.