having a mentor or support group

I chatted with my mentor this morning. She was a psychology professor I had taken two wonderful classes with, and since I've decided to move towards new goals in life, I asked her to help support me with my direction. She's doing an excellent job lol. I feel more motivated and confident with my skills and past achievements, and how they will assist me with my future. My mentor offered me alternatives to the same goal, and it was warm not criticizing like a mother would do, even though most mothers think nagging equals caring.

I think I will always seek a mentor for something in life, whether it's for going back to school or searching for a new adventure or goal to accomplish. I have been mentoring girls and young women for a while now--six years, and I want to model what I do for these girls: seeking someone for guidance and support when you need it. Having someone who knows more about whatever field I'm interested in offers me their experience and guidance I could never obtain any other way. I try my best to offer guidance to the girls with their lives, and I cannot grow without learning constantly in my own life.

I also chatted with my dear friend, B. We talked about the benefits of the female gender stereotype, where we are allowed to feel more than the default emotions men are allowed to feel or understand. We wish we could retrain a population where both genders were allowed to feel all emotions without fears of being reprimanded or labeled an outsider of their genders. For women, we are more open to acknowledge feelings of depression. Men label it exhaustion or feelings of tiredness. Ah, my point. Having a support group is vital for healthy emotional well-being. Women who get together to talk are releasing stress and working their cognitive dramas out loud. This enables us to be more aware of what triggers our emotions as well as our partner's, which then allows us to avoid future negative outcomes. Men do not usually do this. I wish I had more information about stress and its negative effects on the physical body, but stress is serious stuff.

*btw support group is any person who will listen that is not your partner. This person shouldn't offer you advice unless you ask, and does not get you fired up about a negative topic. This person should help you reason and calm you down.

*the link is a start about stress

starting over again

"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth."

Benjamin Disraeli
British politician (1804 - 1881)

Happy 2010! I am fortunate to have a partner who is willing to take risks in life with me. And I need to know when there is no point in fighting for something I will never win. The logic and perspectives are not matching, so there is no use explaining. It turns out I will not be that boomerang kid like so many others. We are starting over financially. He told me, "At least you're living honestly," and how karma will brighten my days in the future. I wish I believed in it lol. Instead, I will continue with this endless search for employment. I will continue with losing money every month for the satisfaction of living on my own, and keeping the intimacy with my partner alive. We will be ok, and we both gave our word to work towards a positive future. We were in the kitchen making dinner tonight and he reminded me, "At least we're smiling and have each other." It does mean a lot to me, to have someone to remind me that things are always fluid, constantly changing, no matter how difficult it seems.

I have enough money to pay for grad school. And I am getting my application ready to send. I'm still sad about the future financial struggles that lie ahead, but fortunately for us we really are poor hippies. The free things in life really are the best when you're forced to search for them.

children of alcoholics, dysfunctional families, now adults

dysfunction and its long-term results in children behavior

Personal Reminder

Dear Me,

Forgive yourself for your flaws and past failures.
Let go of the past. Remember it, but do not dwell on memories.
Live for the present.
Develop the strength to continue.
Truly believe that you can be a better person every day.
Empathize with others who are struggling.
Understand that not all are ready to change.
Do not let anyone control your emotions, except yourself.

Listen to more music, especially Lady Gaga lol.
Give one meaningful compliment to someone every day of your life.

Love always,
Me

passion

I finished my guidance final in 20 minutes and rushed over to the bursar's office for a refund. (I'm taking a chill semester and focusing on finding a bajillion jobs to pay for school next year) I had the most energizing conversation with a mom who decided to go back to school. She's in her 30s and came here from North Africa. I think she and I have a similar philosophy of life--we live so long that there is plenty of time to discover who we are. There will be changes in life or else our journeys would be predictable and boring. We want to model a lifelong journey of growth and acceptance, yet we will not take the negativity of others who cannot believe what we do is right, or who cannot understand that in this lifetime, you are either a person who tries, fails and learns or is too scared to change. I am fueled by her passion to grow. I want others to succeed and explore their options. I'm just really happy to have grown up in this country. I know if I were raised in a collectivist society, my values would be so strongly tied to my family's choices of what is "right or wrong". I am very thankful to have this opportunity to live during an era where the perspectives on learning and occupations are changing. We have such a long journey to live, there is no one way to live it, and I value my experience and people I meet along the way. I am looking forward to meeting the many more passionate people in this world, who will succeed for themselves, their children and to tell those who said they couldn't do it, they could. That made my day. :)

whining

A woman whom I was a hospice volunteer for had just passed away. It's so much bigger than my gripes about money--it's life or death.

I'm slowly getting it. And I can't be mad at other people who have no empathy, selfish people who lie to their parents or cannot imagine how difficult my situation is yet not extend their empathy. I get it. This world is not full of people like me. It will not always be warm, giving, understanding, tolerable, or kind. I get it.

Not receiving help... I don't think that's my issue. I think it's the acknowledgment that I am doing okay with my partner even though it has been tough. We, the two hippies, are doing alright despite my family's values about money, and despite my background growing up with money. I feel like a person should not live beyond her means.

Here we go: the real reason. And it took some time to reason to it, huh? I feel like an outcast, and I am tired of having to try to appease others' anger about not understanding or believing that i do NOT need money, that I am doing well living my life as a lifelong student, working with children for low pay, and volunteering with old people who tell awesome stories. My beliefs of happiness outweigh my desires to be wealthy. It has always been this way, yet my family cannot let it go. They fear that I will be a financial burden in the future, yet there is no proof. I have been fine on my own for years. I wish the projection would be aimed at the right person.

I feel like it's completely unfair for me to pay for my parent's mortgages when I haven't fully lived my own life. Hell, I don't even have a family of my own. I don't have any money to spare. My mother waited until she was 35 to have me--I wish she could extend me the same timeline before I had to give up part of my dreams, dreams which require money, to take care of her. It's no fun being in a sandwich generation. If I have to pay for their mortgages, and supplement her lousy retirement pay, I'm not going to have children. FORGET IT.

I would be an awesome parent. People have told me this for years, and parents remind me that I will be when they see how successful I am with their children. This stress and unwanted burden will push me over the edge, and perhaps we will adopt in the future. As for now, I'm not having children. I feel like it's such a waste of my knowledge and experience to have it thrown away because of this added responsibility. Ah, experiencing another loss of a dream.

I will be okay. My partner and I will figure something out. For now, I'm sad, and a little spiteful. Life isn't always fair, and I will find another dream to fulfill. Patience is one of my strengths, and I am thankful to have it grow every year I work with children or the elderly.

discovering myself

My dad called and it sparked a huge fight with my partner and I. It was funny because we both knew I redirected my frustrations onto the wrong person, but I really needed to verbalize my fears. Dad told me to "hurry up" with school. Well, it's not that easy when I have no models nor support within the family to make this a reality. No one's shown me, and I do feel lost. I've learned more of my direction with every job and class I've taken, and every mentor and child I've met along this journey, but I took a personal blow when my dad expressed his anxiety over my future. I even looked over my FaceBook friends list to see how many people are currently pursuing their Master's, PhDs or finishing up college. I got 35 friends. Most are my age--27 or 28 so it felt nice to be in good company. I wish I could explain to my parents that I am okay, and I don't view money the same way as they do--I'm a hippy artist. I am so grateful to have had the time to process my thoughts and focus on a dream. I know not many people get to realize this until later in life.

I also understand it's something a parent, no matter how old, will ever stop doing. It's innate or something. Parents worry about their children. I want to open up my brain and have a power point of all my ideas, goals and detailed plans I have for achieving them. It's a difference in generations too I think. I don't see the purpose of work as a means to purely make money and buy all the things I need, or to be secure. Sure, I will work to get the bills paid, but I see work as a definition of myself when possible, and I am going to take all this experience to become something so amazing for this world.

I scheduled three part-time jobs, my stats class and hopefully meetings with a counselor to get some more guidance back into my life. I had to drop Hospice volunteering because the early hours limited my availability for work. I'm hoping I can do some afternoon bereavement call volunteering.