I've added a second layer! Gotta keep this momentum going or else I'll never finish a painting lol~ The funny inspiration for layering came from... a MAKEUP tutorial! HA! I guess I really am a late bloomer. Even though I have a degree with this stuff and a sister who adores make up I never got the fundamentals of color down. The depression might have skewed all the learning I accumulated over those years as well. I really feel information and processing is linked to emotions, so if I were depressed the entire time I was in college, my best recollection would occur when I were in the same emotional state. That is my guess. When I find out more information to solidify my case, I'll come back to this post. And since I am not depressed anymore--I've learned methods of coping and acceptance, I cannot revert to those same emotions when I had learned that knowledge. I think it also goes with my memories with practically everyone I've met. I have a pretty lousy long-term memory. It might be something with my physical brain, its chemistry or some emotional-mental block that doesn't allow me to access... repressed memories? I don't know! But, E can take me somewhere he's taken me when we first met and I'd consider it all new! Kind of like 50 first dates, but not that extreme >_> One day, I'll figure out why. If not... I'm ok with getting excited about something I did years ago, but thinking it's the first time all the time. Kind of a romantic view of the world, I guess. <3Wednesday, October 7, 2009
my memory
I've added a second layer! Gotta keep this momentum going or else I'll never finish a painting lol~ The funny inspiration for layering came from... a MAKEUP tutorial! HA! I guess I really am a late bloomer. Even though I have a degree with this stuff and a sister who adores make up I never got the fundamentals of color down. The depression might have skewed all the learning I accumulated over those years as well. I really feel information and processing is linked to emotions, so if I were depressed the entire time I was in college, my best recollection would occur when I were in the same emotional state. That is my guess. When I find out more information to solidify my case, I'll come back to this post. And since I am not depressed anymore--I've learned methods of coping and acceptance, I cannot revert to those same emotions when I had learned that knowledge. I think it also goes with my memories with practically everyone I've met. I have a pretty lousy long-term memory. It might be something with my physical brain, its chemistry or some emotional-mental block that doesn't allow me to access... repressed memories? I don't know! But, E can take me somewhere he's taken me when we first met and I'd consider it all new! Kind of like 50 first dates, but not that extreme >_> One day, I'll figure out why. If not... I'm ok with getting excited about something I did years ago, but thinking it's the first time all the time. Kind of a romantic view of the world, I guess. <3
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
2-year-old painting doodle
I started this painting in 2007 after a really successful day working with children with special needs. I think my supervisor said something, or a parent was so grateful for my efforts. That, the physical positive improvements of the child and having the love of my life with me inspired the colors. It's pretty muted in the image. I guess i should plaster it on, huh? Time to work on it.never posted work before
I usually don't post things that I make because I've felt they're never "good enough". I so really need to stop doing that. My doodles are fun, dreamlike and I like them darn it! lol I'm trying to see it anyone would like to buy them. My first priority is to continue painting, but I have so many inspirations every time i close my eyes it's getting difficult to jot them all down~ It's been a while since I've felt so inspired, and quite happy! I think this summer was strange--I had no music in my thoughts. Since I've seriously taken steps towards my dreams I've noticed that my thoughts are filled with art, I see more beauty everywhere I walk, and I always want to sing and make good food for my loved ones. I feel so good! :DThis is not finished, but finished. get it? lol. I used acrylic on canvas with doodles in sharpee. I'm sure it's very colorful for some. It reminds me of a good trip--or so I've heard. :)
I'm not sure which way to format the piece. Which way conveys the most movement?!
Friday, October 2, 2009
offering advice
I work with children and I see myself as a lifelong learner. For me, it means that I will always have room for improvement, however awesome I may grow to be in this field. :) I think understanding emotions, psychology, human development and therapy enable me to see myself from the outside, although I mess up at times. I do. Sometimes I say something that can't be taken back, or let my emotions cause me to react instead of respond. But, it means I acknowledge that I am not an expert in any field--I can be passionate and informed, but there will always be someone who is 'better' than I am. There will always be someone to learn from.
It's like people who say, "I love children. I love working with them." It does NOT mean they are knowledgeable or actually good with them! Those are very different things, yet they are always mistaken. Love for something does not equal skill. I'm sorry, but it doesn't. And so, when I offer advice and it's taken the wrong way, I wish people could see it from my side--if you love kids and want to work with them, you need to learn and practice methods and find your area of passion. Simply saying, "I love kids." is not enough for me. You need to be informed and skilled in this profession. Do you understand developmental stages? Do you understand how to cater to differing learning styles or children of lower SES or language deficits? Do you know how to foster independence and a positive self concept without being too overbearing? If you can start by answering these questions, I'll start talking to you as a colleague lol.
In terms of emotional awareness, just because you are aware doesn't mean you know how to listen proactively, resolve crises or conflict. But, I wasn't implying that in the first place. I wasn't! >_> When I was offering advice, it's not a blow to yourself as a person. It was me saying that I have this awesome book that I have found to be truly helpful in understanding my partner. If your partner is willing to try out the exercises, let me know. OMG I guess I reworded and solved my own problem in retrospect lol. i am so lame. But, i did something I wasn't supposed to do: I gave advice instead of asking if a person wanted it. That's a no-no! :( And I knew it after I did it. I gotta watch myself more closely.
It's like people who say, "I love children. I love working with them." It does NOT mean they are knowledgeable or actually good with them! Those are very different things, yet they are always mistaken. Love for something does not equal skill. I'm sorry, but it doesn't. And so, when I offer advice and it's taken the wrong way, I wish people could see it from my side--if you love kids and want to work with them, you need to learn and practice methods and find your area of passion. Simply saying, "I love kids." is not enough for me. You need to be informed and skilled in this profession. Do you understand developmental stages? Do you understand how to cater to differing learning styles or children of lower SES or language deficits? Do you know how to foster independence and a positive self concept without being too overbearing? If you can start by answering these questions, I'll start talking to you as a colleague lol.
In terms of emotional awareness, just because you are aware doesn't mean you know how to listen proactively, resolve crises or conflict. But, I wasn't implying that in the first place. I wasn't! >_> When I was offering advice, it's not a blow to yourself as a person. It was me saying that I have this awesome book that I have found to be truly helpful in understanding my partner. If your partner is willing to try out the exercises, let me know. OMG I guess I reworded and solved my own problem in retrospect lol. i am so lame. But, i did something I wasn't supposed to do: I gave advice instead of asking if a person wanted it. That's a no-no! :( And I knew it after I did it. I gotta watch myself more closely.
being poor.
...is totally a state of mind, and it's relative to your definition and a global definition. i know. i know it sounds very material and shallow but i feel like as a photographer, and someone who views my appearance still, as a form of art, this inability to dress how i feel although it has been shaped by fashion, has been limited. so the urge will be there to *want* those pretty ruffled skirts or tops, but i have felt this separation from clothing for so long, i feel like i'm in a time warp as well. the clothing does define an era and with it comes differing values and memories. so here i am, stuck in the early 2000s as a gothlolli mixed in with hippy raver with Tshirt and second-hand jeans.
i know my situation is ok. we can pay rent and the bills, but our quality of life has gone down because of the lack of extra fun stuff like going out to eat or me being able to dye my hair or buy makeup >_> which is trivial because i always stress inner beauty MEH!
sis stated the obvious that i'm too lazy to maintain my appearance, hence no make-up or hairstyle, or "product" usage. that one goes back to how i feel about female gender roles, my own role as a positive model for young girls and this lack of something called, "money." i have never had enough money to want to spare on my appearance. /sigh i feel it's not on the top three vital things for survival, and i'm just not used to putting effort into my looks. food, water, appearance? lol it's crazy to me, yet i know as a professional, you need to look presentable and one of the first things to be identified to your organization is how you look. gotta balance everything, i guess.
all-in-all, i'm rich in life experience and fulfillment@!! CHEESEY!
i know my situation is ok. we can pay rent and the bills, but our quality of life has gone down because of the lack of extra fun stuff like going out to eat or me being able to dye my hair or buy makeup >_> which is trivial because i always stress inner beauty MEH!
sis stated the obvious that i'm too lazy to maintain my appearance, hence no make-up or hairstyle, or "product" usage. that one goes back to how i feel about female gender roles, my own role as a positive model for young girls and this lack of something called, "money." i have never had enough money to want to spare on my appearance. /sigh i feel it's not on the top three vital things for survival, and i'm just not used to putting effort into my looks. food, water, appearance? lol it's crazy to me, yet i know as a professional, you need to look presentable and one of the first things to be identified to your organization is how you look. gotta balance everything, i guess.
all-in-all, i'm rich in life experience and fulfillment@!! CHEESEY!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
the choice to be a social worker.
I've blogged about this several times, and it never really seems to change about how I made the choice to accept my responsibility as a functional member of society. My passion has spread to all age groups and stages of life, but it will always go back to my first best friend in elementary school: she would ride her bike to my house to get away from her not-so-warm family environment. I remember bruises covering her legs and arms, it could have been from simply being a child, but her emotions and personality convinced me otherwise. I always wanted to protect her, and take her away to something better, but what could I have done? I was only six years old.
Kids aren't supposed to save each other from their families. That's how I felt, and when I was nine years old, I stated that I will become a social worker. I still wonder how she is, and I even tried searching for her on FB. She's my first inspiration to help others who cannot help themselves--children and the elderly.
Personally, my experience through certain life stages and coping has also directed me towards this greater understanding as well. Having had a friend, a love, commit suicide during my teens has given me strength and a deep understanding of how it feels to be at the bottom. I think it offers me a feeling of humanity when it comes to emotions and how fragile stability may be at times. I have some close friends who have difficulty living with their negative emotions, so I understand not all have the flexibility or personality to cope alone. I won't be able to counsel family or friends directly, because it's unethical and messy, but I can always listen and offer myself as a model for healthy personal growth and acceptance.
Through my college career the inspiration has come from many children I have worked with in several settings. It comes from ELLs who need fair treatment in understanding the content, young children who need informed parents so they can receive free guidance from the government or a general good start towards learning, children with special needs who cannot voice those needs who depend on professionals to read their cues, low SES kids who are so bright and resilient, but need that extra guidance to succeed. I see inspiration to continue every where I am, and with each child I meet. I have been priviledged to impact the lives of 15 individuals or families so far. I want to continue untill I reach at least 100. Round numbers are nice. lol
Kids aren't supposed to save each other from their families. That's how I felt, and when I was nine years old, I stated that I will become a social worker. I still wonder how she is, and I even tried searching for her on FB. She's my first inspiration to help others who cannot help themselves--children and the elderly.
Personally, my experience through certain life stages and coping has also directed me towards this greater understanding as well. Having had a friend, a love, commit suicide during my teens has given me strength and a deep understanding of how it feels to be at the bottom. I think it offers me a feeling of humanity when it comes to emotions and how fragile stability may be at times. I have some close friends who have difficulty living with their negative emotions, so I understand not all have the flexibility or personality to cope alone. I won't be able to counsel family or friends directly, because it's unethical and messy, but I can always listen and offer myself as a model for healthy personal growth and acceptance.
Through my college career the inspiration has come from many children I have worked with in several settings. It comes from ELLs who need fair treatment in understanding the content, young children who need informed parents so they can receive free guidance from the government or a general good start towards learning, children with special needs who cannot voice those needs who depend on professionals to read their cues, low SES kids who are so bright and resilient, but need that extra guidance to succeed. I see inspiration to continue every where I am, and with each child I meet. I have been priviledged to impact the lives of 15 individuals or families so far. I want to continue untill I reach at least 100. Round numbers are nice. lol
"Can you help me learn to use my right arm again?"
I was finishing up in the gym a few days back, and this man in a wheelchair beckons me over with his left arm. I come up to him and he asks me,
"Can you help me?"
I look at his arm, how his right forearm is caved in, and then at him.
He says, "Pinched nerb."
"Excuse me?," I ask.
"Pinched nerb, I have, a pinched nerb. From this Labor Day."
"Oh! You have a pinched nerve."
"Can, you, help, me? Do, you, think, I, can, use, it, again?"
I look at his arm again, and he's holding a five-pound weight.
"I don't know much about physical therapy. I would help you, but I don't want you to get hurt. I'm not sure how to help, but I can talk to you while you exercise."
He asks, "Can I call you?"
He shuffles his left arm through a bag on the side of his wheelchair. He hands me his phone.
"Do you text?"
"Hmm?" I ask.
"Text--so you can un-der-stand me."
"Oh, sure. I text."
"Will, you, answer, it, if I, call?"
"I won't answer immediately... sometimes I will. Usually I'd call people back, but I will answer it when I can."
"Can you help me?"
I look at his arm, how his right forearm is caved in, and then at him.
He says, "Pinched nerb."
"Excuse me?," I ask.
"Pinched nerb, I have, a pinched nerb. From this Labor Day."
"Oh! You have a pinched nerve."
"Can, you, help, me? Do, you, think, I, can, use, it, again?"
I look at his arm again, and he's holding a five-pound weight.
"I don't know much about physical therapy. I would help you, but I don't want you to get hurt. I'm not sure how to help, but I can talk to you while you exercise."
He asks, "Can I call you?"
He shuffles his left arm through a bag on the side of his wheelchair. He hands me his phone.
"Do you text?"
"Hmm?" I ask.
"Text--so you can un-der-stand me."
"Oh, sure. I text."
"Will, you, answer, it, if I, call?"
"I won't answer immediately... sometimes I will. Usually I'd call people back, but I will answer it when I can."
I type in my name and number into his phone. I hand it back, and pronounce my name clearly for him. He offers me his hand and says it was very nice to meet me. I shake his hand and walk out of the gym.
That moment made me think of a few things--how I miss my god brother who is in a similar physical situation, how I don't pity him, yet admire his resilience and willing to ask for help so early after his incident, and how I don't know how to respond or how I should have responded to him. I tried my best to be respectful, and watch out for my personal liability. Because, I'm not a physical therapist. I don't want to pretend I'm something I'm not to help someone. It also made me think of his progress with mourning the loss of his body, and partial cognitive function. He is a truly resilient individual--so open to receive help from others, I think he'd be a great role model for younger people who are going through a similar situation of loss.
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