children of alcoholics, dysfunctional families, now adults

dysfunction and its long-term results in children behavior

Personal Reminder

Dear Me,

Forgive yourself for your flaws and past failures.
Let go of the past. Remember it, but do not dwell on memories.
Live for the present.
Develop the strength to continue.
Truly believe that you can be a better person every day.
Empathize with others who are struggling.
Understand that not all are ready to change.
Do not let anyone control your emotions, except yourself.

Listen to more music, especially Lady Gaga lol.
Give one meaningful compliment to someone every day of your life.

Love always,
Me

passion

I finished my guidance final in 20 minutes and rushed over to the bursar's office for a refund. (I'm taking a chill semester and focusing on finding a bajillion jobs to pay for school next year) I had the most energizing conversation with a mom who decided to go back to school. She's in her 30s and came here from North Africa. I think she and I have a similar philosophy of life--we live so long that there is plenty of time to discover who we are. There will be changes in life or else our journeys would be predictable and boring. We want to model a lifelong journey of growth and acceptance, yet we will not take the negativity of others who cannot believe what we do is right, or who cannot understand that in this lifetime, you are either a person who tries, fails and learns or is too scared to change. I am fueled by her passion to grow. I want others to succeed and explore their options. I'm just really happy to have grown up in this country. I know if I were raised in a collectivist society, my values would be so strongly tied to my family's choices of what is "right or wrong". I am very thankful to have this opportunity to live during an era where the perspectives on learning and occupations are changing. We have such a long journey to live, there is no one way to live it, and I value my experience and people I meet along the way. I am looking forward to meeting the many more passionate people in this world, who will succeed for themselves, their children and to tell those who said they couldn't do it, they could. That made my day. :)

whining

A woman whom I was a hospice volunteer for had just passed away. It's so much bigger than my gripes about money--it's life or death.

I'm slowly getting it. And I can't be mad at other people who have no empathy, selfish people who lie to their parents or cannot imagine how difficult my situation is yet not extend their empathy. I get it. This world is not full of people like me. It will not always be warm, giving, understanding, tolerable, or kind. I get it.

Not receiving help... I don't think that's my issue. I think it's the acknowledgment that I am doing okay with my partner even though it has been tough. We, the two hippies, are doing alright despite my family's values about money, and despite my background growing up with money. I feel like a person should not live beyond her means.

Here we go: the real reason. And it took some time to reason to it, huh? I feel like an outcast, and I am tired of having to try to appease others' anger about not understanding or believing that i do NOT need money, that I am doing well living my life as a lifelong student, working with children for low pay, and volunteering with old people who tell awesome stories. My beliefs of happiness outweigh my desires to be wealthy. It has always been this way, yet my family cannot let it go. They fear that I will be a financial burden in the future, yet there is no proof. I have been fine on my own for years. I wish the projection would be aimed at the right person.

I feel like it's completely unfair for me to pay for my parent's mortgages when I haven't fully lived my own life. Hell, I don't even have a family of my own. I don't have any money to spare. My mother waited until she was 35 to have me--I wish she could extend me the same timeline before I had to give up part of my dreams, dreams which require money, to take care of her. It's no fun being in a sandwich generation. If I have to pay for their mortgages, and supplement her lousy retirement pay, I'm not going to have children. FORGET IT.

I would be an awesome parent. People have told me this for years, and parents remind me that I will be when they see how successful I am with their children. This stress and unwanted burden will push me over the edge, and perhaps we will adopt in the future. As for now, I'm not having children. I feel like it's such a waste of my knowledge and experience to have it thrown away because of this added responsibility. Ah, experiencing another loss of a dream.

I will be okay. My partner and I will figure something out. For now, I'm sad, and a little spiteful. Life isn't always fair, and I will find another dream to fulfill. Patience is one of my strengths, and I am thankful to have it grow every year I work with children or the elderly.

discovering myself

My dad called and it sparked a huge fight with my partner and I. It was funny because we both knew I redirected my frustrations onto the wrong person, but I really needed to verbalize my fears. Dad told me to "hurry up" with school. Well, it's not that easy when I have no models nor support within the family to make this a reality. No one's shown me, and I do feel lost. I've learned more of my direction with every job and class I've taken, and every mentor and child I've met along this journey, but I took a personal blow when my dad expressed his anxiety over my future. I even looked over my FaceBook friends list to see how many people are currently pursuing their Master's, PhDs or finishing up college. I got 35 friends. Most are my age--27 or 28 so it felt nice to be in good company. I wish I could explain to my parents that I am okay, and I don't view money the same way as they do--I'm a hippy artist. I am so grateful to have had the time to process my thoughts and focus on a dream. I know not many people get to realize this until later in life.

I also understand it's something a parent, no matter how old, will ever stop doing. It's innate or something. Parents worry about their children. I want to open up my brain and have a power point of all my ideas, goals and detailed plans I have for achieving them. It's a difference in generations too I think. I don't see the purpose of work as a means to purely make money and buy all the things I need, or to be secure. Sure, I will work to get the bills paid, but I see work as a definition of myself when possible, and I am going to take all this experience to become something so amazing for this world.

I scheduled three part-time jobs, my stats class and hopefully meetings with a counselor to get some more guidance back into my life. I had to drop Hospice volunteering because the early hours limited my availability for work. I'm hoping I can do some afternoon bereavement call volunteering.

developmental milestones

I tried to find something with as little text as possible:

Developmental Milestones

Good luck to all young parents and families. Remember that every child has his or her own pace of development. These milestones can occur before of after the 'appropriate' time. I would only worry if your child does not have any language, eye contact or motor movement close to a few months of the 'normal' range. If you have any concerns, be specific with your documentation or observations and contact a specialist.

learning and memory

My professor is highly critical of clinical psychology (he's a neuroscientist) and I guess I am as well--this idea of normality is so vague. People who cannot function with whatever brain or emotional imbalance should get diagnosed so they can receive treatment and learn to cope, but I don't know. He said something that made me piece together another part of my personal puzzle. I understand that there is childhood 'amnesia' purely because the brain is still pruning itself and working out the most efficient wiring techniques, so I do understand why languages or skills acquired during childhood would be more successful than those acquired during adulthood. The wiring is there and the connections between the entire brain have been strengthened over time. (it's the whole use it or lose it thing. i believe it's true.) Anyways, he said the entire purpose of memory is to learn and survivability. In a person who has not developed maladaptive thoughts or recalls memories over and over, he or she will remember things that serve a purpose for survival. We are more likely to retain something that is unique to other events in our life so we can retrieve it for future reference.

I was always confused with why my memories were so jumbled. He used this analogy of a card catalog system: when we experience something similar or new to something we already have memories about, this new information is put on that same "card" so details can be mixed up. He said instead of forming a new 'card' of information, if the experience is similar to something you've already 'catalogued' it will go onto that card. It's very cool to learn that knowledge is limitless but it's usually the 'jist' of an experience; we learn details. When we recall, there is this unconscious fabrication involved with explaining events we believe to be true and vivid recollections. Since we have only learned the important details, or purpose of an experience, our minds try their best to piece it all together in order to make a recollection appear seamless.

There have been studies of people who were on a polygraph telling unconcious fabrications that they believed to be true. Their brain waves and functioning appeared exactly the same as those who were telling the truth. So, I learned that eye-witness accounts and polygraphs are lousy evidence (~60% accurate). Hooray for our justice system. We respond differently to key terms, and "leading" questions can also affect answers as well. These are tests administered by and evaluated by people...

Anyways, back to me... I am the subject >_> I have been unable, for the life of me, forever... to recall events from the past correctly and I've always wondered, "Why?" I think I'm getting closer to my answer: my brain chooses to keep "important" information, and I guess I had no choice what I wanted to keep as a child. I remember trauma, pain, and some happiness. I'm assuming this is normal, but it can also be maladaptive. A classmate says he remembers near-death experiences when he was two. I am sure these memories were not removed during pruning because the brain acknowledged this information as important for later survival, "If i experience a similar event, I will use what I learned from it to survive" kinda mentality? I think. For me, I have jumbled routines as memories because that's basically what I have as my past. I cannot differentiate one day from another, my childhood was very monotonous (for me). I know it was fun, but as a teenager with depression, my emotions reinforced the memory of certain events over others.

I know something will trigger happy memories to resurface, but I can accept it not happening. I have learned to live in the present, and accept myself as all that I am. My past made me, but dwelling on the "why's" will not move me towards the "hows" I can improve.

respect for others

I might edit it later. but... I just wanted to blurb on how I've noticed there is a huge lack of empathy or ability for people to see how a situation is for someone else. Is it that difficult to be empathetic? I don't understand why the first response for so many is to try to convert someone into believing that their way of living or viewing a situation is the right one. I can't understand why it's difficult to step back from oneself and say, hey, this person does NOT see things the way I do, but it does not lower my standard of living, it does not affect my life at all, so I shouldn't let it bother me. Many still get angry at people who live different lifestyles or respond to something in an alternative method. Why can't there be a respect for others and agreement to disagree?

This was brought on by a family member disagreeing with my methods and reasoning for dealing with negative behaviors. I admit I'm still stubborn and will run my point through the wall to make sure someone understands and respects my perspective, but it's only to prove that there are many ways to see a situation, no view is better than the other; they are just different. I said I ignore negative behaviors and a person said that is a wrong way to go about it. I felt a little attacked, and I wanted to spew all my knowledge of my guidance and discipline class, my three years' worth of studying and practicing certain ABA techniques in the classroom, clinic, people's homes as well as in my own life. ABA principles are basically conditioning, so it's reinforcing the behavior you want to keep, and extinguishing the behavior you want to get rid of. It's very basic rules, extremely difficult to be consistent at especially if there is an emotional barrier between the person who has the negative behavior and the person who is trying to alter the behavior. I think having the ability to work with children who are not related to me (even though I truly care for them) has enabled me to develop this necessary skill to do what is necessary despite the emotional ramifications.

Many parents become numb at the sight of their children crying. They feel like they don't want to be the bad guy, or they get so frustrated at their child for having a tantrum. Well, children need boundaries, they need consequences that make sense, and this needs to come from a parent who is calm and collected, someone who has the ability to reason with logic and not emotion. Acknowledging a child's and parent's true emotions is necessary. It's important to be honest about how we feel so when the child grows up, he or she won't end up learning to disassociate from his emotions, or not understanding what will make him happy, angry, sad, anxious... it all starts at home.

Having the ability to empathize will not make this world a weak place, I think it will make us able to understand and accept that we all make different choices in life, and there should be no fear for people who are different. Instead, we can ask questions to learn more. I have not experienced being more scared after learning something new. It's this lack of respect and this constant feeling of superiority that castes a need for offense or war against "those who are not like me." I feel more at ease and at peace with the world with each sparkle of knowledge I put in my pocket. (My partner likes to disagree with my world view, and I accept it because of his life experiences and his culture. I will not alter my beliefs because of him though.)

Positive guidance techniques

why i blog, what i learned about grief

There is this funny disconnect with my blogging, and wanting others to understand me better through reading my thoughts, yet never directly asking anyone significant in my life to do so. The thoughts are just here, I secretly wish people in my life would read it, but a part of me does fear their judgment. A part of me secretly wants them to see the world how I do, yet I already know our values and acceptance of other perspectives are not as flexible as mine. And it's not wrong, it's just different, and I will respect that. So here are my thoughts, for ten years! I should have some one-person celebration lol. 10 year anniversary woot! I've never had one yet.

Another reason for blogging was I guess, due to my former passive aggressive personality traits, I had kept all my emotions inside never addressing them or working towards understanding my true self. Blogging helped me rationalize my maladaptive thought process and the negative emotions that resulted in them, and the negative life experiences (or lack of life experience due to fear) that resulted from that. It's cheap therapy. As long as the person seeks knowledge and appropriately applies it to ones own life without trying to "convert" others into believing things, I think the search for self and peace will be successful. I was a hardheaded preachy savior complex ridden college kid. Some of the preachiness lingers, only because I'm so passionate about learning unmedicated methods of healing, but I admit and accept when I'm being an ass. My partner will remind me when it's time to shut it lol. My past preachiness came from many things: not wanting children to experience unneeded pain from stupid parents (I wanted to fix my past by preventing pain in their lives), having a friend commit suicide and then another die in a car accident months later with no models of coping.

My parents never taught me about grief, mourning or coping with life's events. I don't blame them, and it's taken me years to understand that after a certain age, I can either stay like this and blame others and search for the "whys" I turned out this way, or I can accept it, search for ways of positive growth, and move on with my life a better person. When K died though, I wanted to relive his life, up to the point of suicide. I just learned that this is a very common step loved ones of murder victims and those who comit suicide do. They retrace the steps of murder or suicide thinking that this will bring closure, or a better understanding of the death. A reverand stated that this grief can last a lifetime because instead of addressing the pain, they took the route of revenge or suicide themselves. So, people need to address pain, accept loss and live life fully. It's not feeling guilty to be alive, it's living with people's memories instead of constant wishing they were still here. It's cheesy, but the person who died would want you to be happy, not forgetting them, but be happy.

The video also mentioned how some feel like letting go of the pain means letting go of this relationship with the person who died. Personally, I believe it. I have experienced being comfortable with depression because it was the strongest emotion that linked me to K. Looking back, I wish those Psychologists at the school I was at took me through the steps of grief, told me everyone grieves in their own way and where to go for resources. No one is perfect, I was sad for a friggin long time, but I'm ok now. I shouldn't hold grudges, I'm just hoping others will get the resources they need when tragedies happen. So if you're experiencing loss, finding a support group of nonjudging people is a good step. Family and friends sometimes don't know what to say because they're uncomfortable with the topic, or they don't want to hurt you. Silence doesn't mean they don't care, it just means they don't know what to say. Sometimes we need to tell people what we need. We're not perfect. I hope everyone will learn to cope with loss, and that the world in general will become more open to talking about it. It's less likely for us to be fearful of things we know than things we do not. <3

bump in the road

I'm quite proud of myself for being happy for so long, staying positive and working through negative thoughts. It's impossible to stay happy all the time, though. And it proves to me that it's something that needs to be practiced and appreciated through the dark moments. I mean, I know therapists go to other therapists to keep themselves in check. Gotta recharge and drain the negative energy... I also know this post is not similar to ones I've posted ten years ago when I was completely immersed in sadness. Never want to be like that again. Ever.

It's just a bummer right now to be in this lack of financial stability. I'm not blaming anyone, and I'm not going to put myself down for making this choice. I'm just stating how I feel at the moment, which will change with time and positive thinking. As of now though, I feel sad, a little stuck. I feel like people who give so much to others shouldn't have to worry about money. I have given up so much just to pursue my dream. I splurged on a top for Halloween. I spent $16 on myself after three months of not shopping for clothes. I cut out things I like to eat when we shop for groceries to save a few dollars, and although it was my choice to stop working and go to school, it still sucks! My partner and I feel guilty for turning people down for dinner dates. We intentionally eat before so we can share a plate.

We will get through this, because we've always gotten through the bumps. I'm almost done with the semester so I can get a full time job as well as finish up my last prerequisite.

*This isn't the place to offer advice. I will not move back into my parent's. My emotional health is worth more than saving $20,000 a year. There is too much past drama and unacknowledged pain or resentment to deal with. I'm focusing on my dream, and with money or not, I will reach it. I say that now, but I really wish we had a place where the payments were lower. I realize personality and values of others are something I cannot change, even though I try to preach to others my way of seeing or learning to change detrimental traits. If only I could put my brain into the brains of others for a second, maybe they could see how malleable we really are. I believe we are in control of our emotions, so I will be happy again.

GaGa

In an interview she said her first priority was the music, not the clothing, but I'm more interested in her character as well as garb. The whole artist persona is great, I believe she has the right intentions, and is receiving excellent feedback from those who are emotionally affected. Positive or not, the feedback is part of an artist's goal--to produce a visceral reaction, and I enjoy her calmness with it all. The confidence and feeling of world domination might be due to her youth, 23 is very young, but I would like to see that as positive as well.

And yeah, this stuff isn't new. Artists have been doing it for decades. I admire her for knowing her predecessors, their intent, and building on it in her own way. The thing about clothing and fashion for me might not be the same for Gaga. She adores high fashion, I don't really care for it, but I do like how it pushes the comfort of others. This is the question: Which clothing counts as functional, fashion, bizarre? If clothing were meant to be functional, the style would be extremely limited. We'd all be dressing like tribal people of some sort. She is not doing anything wrong. Everything we wear in this industrialized society has crossed the barrier of functionality to fashion, but it becomes a part of the culture. I'm sure besides the fact of it not appeasing the eyes, the sexual connotations are ones that this fundamentalist country bug about the most.

In a society still, where sexuality and understanding of one's body is deemed as offensive or morally wrong, even though women and minorities are being granted more equality, this personally inflicted awkwardness lingers. I assume this problem will continue for generations because of residual parenting and innate guilt of truly giving in to knowing oneself entirely, especially as an adult, about one's body or sexual identity. I am sure MANY would assume, "If I learn about my sexuality, the outcome will be orgy-rific and covered with STDs and fetish-type encounters." UH, why? LOL With everything comes the need to learn balance and self control. The definitions of sex will always vary from person to person, but I want people, especially women to have their voices heard, to be comfortable to tell her partner what she wants, desires, dislikes, so he or she knows exactly how to please her. It's not a sin, it's making love. It's not filthy to know one's body and to be honest to it.

I do not advocate teenage sex, or uneducated sex. That is just plain... it's not stupid, but it's rushing before your brain is fully developed, and making choices based on emotion rather than thought.

problems with food

I'm not going to delve into this but when I was a kid, I was forced to eat. If I did not eat, I had to sit at the dining table until the food was consumed--sometimes I sat there all day because I was not hungry. I sat with my breakfast plate and when dinner came around I still did not eat breakfast. I developed a negative association with food, and twenty years later, I still sometimes have my inner battles with enjoying food. Sometimes I revert to my past thoughts and behaviors of not wanting to eat because of those negative experiences. A kid is supposed to play and laugh. A kid is not supposed to feel threatened if she does not eat all of her food. (i need to find the book where i got this information. most children do not starve themselves. if they are emotionally healthy they will eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. ugh i need facts.)

This is not the same as forcing a kid to eat vegetables or unpreferred food. I think as long as you introduce the kids to varied tastes and textures positively, there may not be a problem of making healthy choices and trying diverse foods as an adult. One thing I learned from moms in my nutrition class was to leave food out if you think your kid isn't eating enough. You are in charge of what's available, so make a good choice. When your kid is hungry, they'll come around. They will have to eat what is available to them. I don't think there is a need to force children to eat, even though I have been paid to work with three kids with eating problems. That was more associated with behavioral issues.

I have no perspective on obesity or overeating. I do know a bit about my experience with not liking food, and developing obsessive compulsive behaviors to try to cope with such lack of control in my life. The behaviors have lessened as I've become happier, learned to calm myself and cope with stress positively. Every now and then, like this morning when we had a lecture on eating patterns, I step back in progress. This time I asked for help. My professor and classmates gave me great ideas to help me recondition myself to be happy with food. I started this lunch by pairing food with a positive activity--computer games lol. I hope this will continue :)

super ego

I'm quite passionate about psychology and self-awareness, and I know not everyone feels as strongly as I do about the subject. It's funny how some of our best attributes, the ones that attracted our partner in the first place over time become the ones that bother them the most. LOL. He adored my passion and speaking about learning, language, self-concept, children, care in the beginning! lol--now I need to step back and see if it's the best time to go on a rant about what I just learned and applied to my own life--which will be a transition. I think my self-concept is in a strong place where I do not feel attacked or threatened, I remember when a comment like that could have brought on a shrieking thunderstorm... ahh those silly old days of uncontrollable anger. LOLLL

There are some people in my life who cannot see psychology as a valid science, and I respect that. I mean, where is the proof when it seems like all the information is anecdotal and one of the premier names you think about had some obsession with phallic representations and sexual repression in childhood. I get it, it's weird when you think of the theories that have come to stand for the discipline. For me, I didn't know it involved working with biologists, chemists, physicians, pharmacologists, neurologists, psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists and patients. When I thought of it in the past, all I had imagined were people in a room talking about how they feel. I didn't really think there was substancial biological evidence, I thought it were only based on statistical evidence that was already skewed because of a person's willingness to take the survey or being observed in the first place. So, I am seeing it differently from those who do not choose to learn about it. And I do see it differently because I have faith in the science and hope for all to cope with everyday life stressors more successfully. I believe people can change positively. I believe those demons can be kicked out of our thoughts if we are given a warm, supportive environment to sort out our past. It's possible. And it can be done by our own will--no one is in charge of your emotions and thoughts except for you. There should be no guilt about having control with your life.

As for the Frued stuff, the academic field has disregarded some of his theories, yet they do teach it as one of the milestones for how our childhood affects aspects of adulthood. So, that's why I am intrigued with Psychology--it is constantly presenting new information, people are aware of incorrect theories in the past, I think it checks itself by being aware of its flaws[ex: shock therapy :(] It has countlessly had an asterisk on the fact that correlation implies causation, it never proves it. It applies other disciplines to confirm or deny information. I think it's amazing to see the innerworkings of a person's brain as they are exposed to stimuli--and to see the continual similarities within us all. breathtaking!!!

Anyways, whenever I feel like my passionate rants aren't appropriate I will tell it to a classmate, or blog. I think it will be a safer outlet that won't damage any relationship I want to keep. hooray~

quick list

andy kaufman:
anti-institution
silly
dada
fluxus
brecht
unexpected
uncomfortable
silence
friction, stress
questioning reality
analysis of media
ephemeral performances
questioning fact, performance, social norms
en vivo performances
performance art
happenings
possible selves
staying in character
visceral reactions
endurance performances
Nikki S. Lee (year long 'projects') i don't agree with the racial aspect of certain critiques, i just adore long-term commitment to performance and exploring possible other selves.

Man on the Moon(1999) made me recall these lovely art gems.

temperament/personality of children

I had questions about the flexibility of personality for a while, and I feel like I'm becoming more familiar with the types and combination. I feel blessed that mine is a changeable one, and that I am a first-born. I don't know why, but there is a correlation between being the first child and success. Kinda cool. It's not causation, correlation and I'll take it lol.

So with the temperaments--I wish all children had changeable personalities, but most likely the personality of your child when they are born is how they are going to be the rest of their lives. I mean, there is parent involvement to SHAPE a child's self-concept, behaviors and such, but overall, the personality you see as a baby is the one you'll have to deal with when he or she is a teenager. Hm, an example? Well, there are four types of temperament: easy, slow to warm, difficult and changeable, which is a combination of the first three. How can you tell with a baby? This can be observed through a child's ability to sleep and/or reactions to new people. If a child takes forever to sleep, or any noise will wake your kid, I'm assuming the kid's a difficult temperament. I assume because I'm not always right. No one is.

Does this mean your parenting future will be laced with challenges? Not exactly. If you know what temperament your child has, that means you can prepare and give your child the right tools to succeed and make positive choices in this world as an adult. You yourself will also need to learn how to calmly focus on what needs to be done to have the needs of your child met. I have seen many parents focus on themselves, complain or feel entire frustrated about the burden of a 'difficult' child. I will confirm that it is challenging, and it is frustrating. It's also a great opportunity to see yourself grow to be able to guide a young person given their personality traits.

It also takes a great person to acknowledge areas that need improvement, to ask for advice, and if it were not successful, to NOT hold grudges. It's all trial and error, but there are ways of learning from others so unnecessary mistakes won't be made. That's why I love 'practicing' with other people's children lollll just kidding. I think I have been successful with so many families because I was able to separate myself emotionally from the 'moment'. Let's say a child is throwing a tantrum--many parents are unable to calm themselves, separate from the event and objectively act appropriately. I am attached to the children, I adore them and I love what I can do to improve their lives, but I know it takes time to learn how to respond rather than react.

How Temperament Affects Parents

In regards to taking advice from other parents, I find it difficult to. One reason is because in the past it has been condescending. It usually goes like this, "Well, you don't have any children, so you will never understand fully what it means to raise a child." In my mind, I go over all my experience with all the stages of development that I have had the personal experience of guiding and shaping successfully. I will admit I am not the expert on babies. I do know, however, how language is acquired, attachment is developed, the creation of self-concept and self-esteem, and parenting styles that cater to differing personality types. I also know about learning disabilities and early intervention programs from the state. I know about respectful parenting, offering choices and when to be firm. I know when to follow through and patterns of behavior. I mentor three young women, from their elementary years to now as high school students interested in college. YET I am not a parent.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never be validated by those parents. They have something stuck up their butts LOL. :)

Unless they are trained professionals with experience with children of varying social, emotional, cognitive, cultural backgrounds, I won't because it's biased. I will only take the advice if it's for their own child, because parents will know their children best. I will not deny that they are the number one source to learn about a child, besides 24-hour observation. I have had to show parents and empower them to act. It's very difficult to change when the current state of mind is one of loss (a child has a deficit of some sort), or pity (Why me?). I haven't been there in the past as a counselor or a behavioral therapist for the parents, but it seems like it may be an option for the future. If a person is willing to admit they need more skills to succeed, I think that's a wonderful place to start moving towards progress.

it's too colorful to me. i gotta chill with the rainbow explosions lol

old people

We finished cleaning up by 7:30pm and the priest and 3 senior women were sitting in the dining area waiting for the bus to arrive. I asked them if they were going to be alright if I left.

The priest replied, "Oh, we'll be fine. No one messes with grandma," as she looks at her knitting partner.

So I sat down for a few minutes next to J. She revealed to me that she was very scared her first Sunday here. The priest said it's quite natural to be scared of new things and new people. J smiled at me and asked,"Are you coming back?" I told her I'd try my best to come back every month.

She smiled again and said,"Good. I like you." She revealed that her grandmother had also attended this church forty years ago, and she'd never imagine being in the same shoes. J felt more comfortable, and said,"You know, I feel like this is my family. I can't believe I said that. I'm embarrassed."

The priest was happy to hear that, and I told her it was a wonderful thing to say and feel.

As the ladies were knitting, the priest said if someone messes with them, they'll just poke them away with their knitting pins.

I told them, "Oh you'll be fine because you're so OG."
The priest said, "I don't know what that means! I don't text!"
I covered my forehead and said surprised, "Oh, you don't know what that means! Uh..."
So I explained that it meant 'original gangsta' and I called them old school. All four of them laughed.

I gave them all hugs and walked out to my car. I repeated that I'd try my best to see them again.
- - - - -
I've been attending this activity since 2007, but when my own grandmother died, I spent more time visiting my blood relatives.

It was my adopted grandmother's birthday today. She turned 71 and I think that it's pretty young to be in a senior home. She married when she was 16, and fled from her country quickly. so when I asked if she had any pictures, she said the earliest pictures are when she is in her late twenties. I miss my grandmother, and I never met my grandmother on my paternal side, but I don't think my visiting seniors has to do with this replacement of family I lost. I just enjoy old people in general! Ever since I was a wee kid I adored sitting in my dad's waiting room at his shop and conversing with the old customers. They were vibrant when they shared their stories, and I felt like I owned something not everyone will ever possess--a part of the past, and wisdom that cannot be taught any other way. They also radiate this warmth, acceptance of mortality and appreciation of time. People my age don't usually possess this appreciation, and I always wanted to be surrounded by those who do feel this way. (I have met younger people who do learn appreciation, and it's usually those who come from difficult life experiences)
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I got a call from the hospice director, and I have an interview on Monday. I feel like I am ready to further my understanding on the process of death, dying and loss. It can only make me stronger and learn methods of assisting others cope with varying forms of loss when I become a therapist.

my memory

I've added a second layer! Gotta keep this momentum going or else I'll never finish a painting lol~ The funny inspiration for layering came from... a MAKEUP tutorial! HA! I guess I really am a late bloomer. Even though I have a degree with this stuff and a sister who adores make up I never got the fundamentals of color down. The depression might have skewed all the learning I accumulated over those years as well. I really feel information and processing is linked to emotions, so if I were depressed the entire time I was in college, my best recollection would occur when I were in the same emotional state. That is my guess. When I find out more information to solidify my case, I'll come back to this post. And since I am not depressed anymore--I've learned methods of coping and acceptance, I cannot revert to those same emotions when I had learned that knowledge. I think it also goes with my memories with practically everyone I've met. I have a pretty lousy long-term memory. It might be something with my physical brain, its chemistry or some emotional-mental block that doesn't allow me to access... repressed memories? I don't know! But, E can take me somewhere he's taken me when we first met and I'd consider it all new! Kind of like 50 first dates, but not that extreme >_> One day, I'll figure out why. If not... I'm ok with getting excited about something I did years ago, but thinking it's the first time all the time. Kind of a romantic view of the world, I guess. <3

2-year-old painting doodle

I started this painting in 2007 after a really successful day working with children with special needs. I think my supervisor said something, or a parent was so grateful for my efforts. That, the physical positive improvements of the child and having the love of my life with me inspired the colors. It's pretty muted in the image. I guess i should plaster it on, huh? Time to work on it.

never posted work before

I usually don't post things that I make because I've felt they're never "good enough". I so really need to stop doing that. My doodles are fun, dreamlike and I like them darn it! lol I'm trying to see it anyone would like to buy them. My first priority is to continue painting, but I have so many inspirations every time i close my eyes it's getting difficult to jot them all down~ It's been a while since I've felt so inspired, and quite happy! I think this summer was strange--I had no music in my thoughts. Since I've seriously taken steps towards my dreams I've noticed that my thoughts are filled with art, I see more beauty everywhere I walk, and I always want to sing and make good food for my loved ones. I feel so good! :D

This is not finished, but finished. get it? lol. I used acrylic on canvas with doodles in sharpee. I'm sure it's very colorful for some. It reminds me of a good trip--or so I've heard. :)

I'm not sure which way to format the piece. Which way conveys the most movement?!

offering advice

I work with children and I see myself as a lifelong learner. For me, it means that I will always have room for improvement, however awesome I may grow to be in this field. :) I think understanding emotions, psychology, human development and therapy enable me to see myself from the outside, although I mess up at times. I do. Sometimes I say something that can't be taken back, or let my emotions cause me to react instead of respond. But, it means I acknowledge that I am not an expert in any field--I can be passionate and informed, but there will always be someone who is 'better' than I am. There will always be someone to learn from.

It's like people who say, "I love children. I love working with them." It does NOT mean they are knowledgeable or actually good with them! Those are very different things, yet they are always mistaken. Love for something does not equal skill. I'm sorry, but it doesn't. And so, when I offer advice and it's taken the wrong way, I wish people could see it from my side--if you love kids and want to work with them, you need to learn and practice methods and find your area of passion. Simply saying, "I love kids." is not enough for me. You need to be informed and skilled in this profession. Do you understand developmental stages? Do you understand how to cater to differing learning styles or children of lower SES or language deficits? Do you know how to foster independence and a positive self concept without being too overbearing? If you can start by answering these questions, I'll start talking to you as a colleague lol.

In terms of emotional awareness, just because you are aware doesn't mean you know how to listen proactively, resolve crises or conflict. But, I wasn't implying that in the first place. I wasn't! >_> When I was offering advice, it's not a blow to yourself as a person. It was me saying that I have this awesome book that I have found to be truly helpful in understanding my partner. If your partner is willing to try out the exercises, let me know. OMG I guess I reworded and solved my own problem in retrospect lol. i am so lame. But, i did something I wasn't supposed to do: I gave advice instead of asking if a person wanted it. That's a no-no! :( And I knew it after I did it. I gotta watch myself more closely.

being poor.

...is totally a state of mind, and it's relative to your definition and a global definition. i know. i know it sounds very material and shallow but i feel like as a photographer, and someone who views my appearance still, as a form of art, this inability to dress how i feel although it has been shaped by fashion, has been limited. so the urge will be there to *want* those pretty ruffled skirts or tops, but i have felt this separation from clothing for so long, i feel like i'm in a time warp as well. the clothing does define an era and with it comes differing values and memories. so here i am, stuck in the early 2000s as a gothlolli mixed in with hippy raver with Tshirt and second-hand jeans.

i know my situation is ok. we can pay rent and the bills, but our quality of life has gone down because of the lack of extra fun stuff like going out to eat or me being able to dye my hair or buy makeup >_> which is trivial because i always stress inner beauty MEH!

sis stated the obvious that i'm too lazy to maintain my appearance, hence no make-up or hairstyle, or "product" usage. that one goes back to how i feel about female gender roles, my own role as a positive model for young girls and this lack of something called, "money." i have never had enough money to want to spare on my appearance. /sigh i feel it's not on the top three vital things for survival, and i'm just not used to putting effort into my looks. food, water, appearance? lol it's crazy to me, yet i know as a professional, you need to look presentable and one of the first things to be identified to your organization is how you look. gotta balance everything, i guess.

all-in-all, i'm rich in life experience and fulfillment@!! CHEESEY!

the choice to be a social worker.

I've blogged about this several times, and it never really seems to change about how I made the choice to accept my responsibility as a functional member of society. My passion has spread to all age groups and stages of life, but it will always go back to my first best friend in elementary school: she would ride her bike to my house to get away from her not-so-warm family environment. I remember bruises covering her legs and arms, it could have been from simply being a child, but her emotions and personality convinced me otherwise. I always wanted to protect her, and take her away to something better, but what could I have done? I was only six years old.

Kids aren't supposed to save each other from their families. That's how I felt, and when I was nine years old, I stated that I will become a social worker. I still wonder how she is, and I even tried searching for her on FB. She's my first inspiration to help others who cannot help themselves--children and the elderly.

Personally, my experience through certain life stages and coping has also directed me towards this greater understanding as well. Having had a friend, a love, commit suicide during my teens has given me strength and a deep understanding of how it feels to be at the bottom. I think it offers me a feeling of humanity when it comes to emotions and how fragile stability may be at times. I have some close friends who have difficulty living with their negative emotions, so I understand not all have the flexibility or personality to cope alone. I won't be able to counsel family or friends directly, because it's unethical and messy, but I can always listen and offer myself as a model for healthy personal growth and acceptance.

Through my college career the inspiration has come from many children I have worked with in several settings. It comes from ELLs who need fair treatment in understanding the content, young children who need informed parents so they can receive free guidance from the government or a general good start towards learning, children with special needs who cannot voice those needs who depend on professionals to read their cues, low SES kids who are so bright and resilient, but need that extra guidance to succeed. I see inspiration to continue every where I am, and with each child I meet. I have been priviledged to impact the lives of 15 individuals or families so far. I want to continue untill I reach at least 100. Round numbers are nice. lol

"Can you help me learn to use my right arm again?"

I was finishing up in the gym a few days back, and this man in a wheelchair beckons me over with his left arm. I come up to him and he asks me,
"Can you help me?"
I look at his arm, how his right forearm is caved in, and then at him.
He says, "Pinched nerb."
"Excuse me?," I ask.
"Pinched nerb, I have, a pinched nerb. From this Labor Day."
"Oh! You have a pinched nerve."
"Can, you, help, me? Do, you, think, I, can, use, it, again?"
I look at his arm again, and he's holding a five-pound weight.
"I don't know much about physical therapy. I would help you, but I don't want you to get hurt. I'm not sure how to help, but I can talk to you while you exercise."
He asks, "Can I call you?"
He shuffles his left arm through a bag on the side of his wheelchair. He hands me his phone.
"Do you text?"
"Hmm?" I ask.
"Text--so you can un-der-stand me."
"Oh, sure. I text."
"Will, you, answer, it, if I, call?"
"I won't answer immediately... sometimes I will. Usually I'd call people back, but I will answer it when I can."

I type in my name and number into his phone. I hand it back, and pronounce my name clearly for him. He offers me his hand and says it was very nice to meet me. I shake his hand and walk out of the gym.

That moment made me think of a few things--how I miss my god brother who is in a similar physical situation, how I don't pity him, yet admire his resilience and willing to ask for help so early after his incident, and how I don't know how to respond or how I should have responded to him. I tried my best to be respectful, and watch out for my personal liability. Because, I'm not a physical therapist. I don't want to pretend I'm something I'm not to help someone. It also made me think of his progress with mourning the loss of his body, and partial cognitive function. He is a truly resilient individual--so open to receive help from others, I think he'd be a great role model for younger people who are going through a similar situation of loss.

burnt out

we went over stages of life, lots of generalizations--i know this will never apply to everyone. there will always be exceptions to the rules, which is why i like psychology so much. it's flexible and acknowledges how imperfect the science is. anywho i am focused on adulthood and major crises and events that are supposed to occur during this period. (i think this is based on American adults, i am sure other cultures will have other guidelines for this) there's not much said about young adulthood except this is the time where a concrete sense of identity should be constructed. I'm saying should because not all of us get there. According to James Marcia there are 4 stages of Identity Statuses:

Identity Forclosure: (teens - early 20s) unquestioned acceptance. adopted values of a culture or expectations of parents. does not achieve independent identity, highly affected by culture and religion

Identity Moratorium: (early 20s) try on different roles (volunteer, part-time jobs, switch jobs or majors often), struggle with sense of identity, but the more you try the more you will find out who you are.

Identity Diffusion: a failure to integrate a sense of self, not struggling to resolve identity conflicts

Identity Achievement: (lates 20s, early 30s until death) successful commitment to set of beliefs and values, cognitively flexible and a higher level of moral reasoning. It is the preferred identity status.

Identity Foreclosure is worse than Diffusion. Following preset life rules like a sheep is no way to live. Questioning, acceptance and balancing conflicting beliefs is vital!

So with the being burnt out thing--this usually occurs during middle adulthood, the definition is vague, but it applies to those who are 'the job', and have nothing else to define themselves at the end of the day. This was my problem when I started working with young children. I felt like I had to save them from uninformed parents or caregivers who were not educated enough. Even though people who work with trauma, the disabled, or emotionally challenged have a faster rate of being burnt out, i understand now that there needs to be a balance, and there needs to be things outside of my job that define me.

This can also be applied to parents when their children leave and/or start their own families. When a child is born, the next 20 years of a parent's life is devoted to him or her. The problem with that is there was a preexisting relationship that still needs nurturing and growth. After all this energy is spent raising a child and he leaves, the house is left with two middle-aged people who have to relearn who each other are. This can also result in the "empty nest syndrome" where parents have a second honeymoon and they rekindle their relationship, travel, and appreciate one another in a new light. Parents may also not adjust well to their children leaving by manipulating with money or emotions, any method possible to have their children back home and becoming a helicopter parent.

In terms of quality of life with work, and adjusting to children leaving the home, there needs to be a balance and understanding of what is acceptable behavior for the individual. Parents need to be reminded that their first love was their partner before the child, and that relationship needs attention and growth too. People who work with trauma need to be reminded that the job is not the only thing that defines you, if you take your work home, it's setting yourself up for a quicker burn out and degradation in your overall quality of life.

anger towards other groups

So, a peer is riled up over certain coworkers celebrating a holiday during the workweek. I've been there--especially in an elementary school setting, everyone doubles up on their work load and it can get pretty chaotic. He's asking why can't they celebrate during the weekend. Well, if only all holidays were like that. I mean, we have 'Winter break" where people mislabel it Christmas break, and no one complains about that. I don't know. It's been so long where I've felt anger or identified character traits with an ethnic group, that instead of feeling offended, I'm trying to understand the reasons for why a person could get that upset at a group of people, not just certain individuals. I know it's about generalizing past experiences to similar stimuli (lol people are stimuli), but since I'm not at that stage of life where the anger lingers outwards to others instead of the internal questioning to understand and eliminate the maladaptive behaviors, I would like to be reminded of how the thought process works and 'evolves'.

Why and how could a person be so emotionally damaged that they develop and believe these stereotypes? There are numerous paths to being: there's the genetic factor that is activated by environment, there is the cultural path where certain cultures have such inherent beliefs that stereotypes can be taught as normal ways of seeing the world (and it can go unquestioned an entire life), illusory causation--there's the conditioned views where someone of a certain group mistreats you and over time you believe this to be true, so when it happens again it confirms your belief even though 99.9% of people in that same group have been kind to you in this lifetime. 99.9% yes, I exaggerate. I mean, it can develop in a bajillion methods. Who really knows? I'd like to post a child's and Early Child Development's definition of fair, though.

For children, fair means: Everyone gets the same.
For Human Development and ECE: Everyone gets what he or she needs.

I've truly come to understand this only through working with children with special needs. Some kids will need more time to develop their motor skills if they live in a neighborhood where parks aren't safe to play in, or if parents are in low SES where they need to work constantly so their children have no time to go outside. Other kids will be fine because they have access to more. I think this can be applied to adults with understanding that we're not equal in terms of what is fair. If a religious group has a holiday during the work week, good for them! An extra day off, but sometimes it would be nice to respond instead of reacting to others getting something you wish you had. I understand the calendar year is too short to acknowledge all holidays, but I don't know if most people want to have a day of repent instead of work if it weren't a tradition.

I acknowledge that it's a burden for others to work 150% when coworkers are off, but I would also like to see a movement towards understanding as well.