problems with food

I'm not going to delve into this but when I was a kid, I was forced to eat. If I did not eat, I had to sit at the dining table until the food was consumed--sometimes I sat there all day because I was not hungry. I sat with my breakfast plate and when dinner came around I still did not eat breakfast. I developed a negative association with food, and twenty years later, I still sometimes have my inner battles with enjoying food. Sometimes I revert to my past thoughts and behaviors of not wanting to eat because of those negative experiences. A kid is supposed to play and laugh. A kid is not supposed to feel threatened if she does not eat all of her food. (i need to find the book where i got this information. most children do not starve themselves. if they are emotionally healthy they will eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. ugh i need facts.)

This is not the same as forcing a kid to eat vegetables or unpreferred food. I think as long as you introduce the kids to varied tastes and textures positively, there may not be a problem of making healthy choices and trying diverse foods as an adult. One thing I learned from moms in my nutrition class was to leave food out if you think your kid isn't eating enough. You are in charge of what's available, so make a good choice. When your kid is hungry, they'll come around. They will have to eat what is available to them. I don't think there is a need to force children to eat, even though I have been paid to work with three kids with eating problems. That was more associated with behavioral issues.

I have no perspective on obesity or overeating. I do know a bit about my experience with not liking food, and developing obsessive compulsive behaviors to try to cope with such lack of control in my life. The behaviors have lessened as I've become happier, learned to calm myself and cope with stress positively. Every now and then, like this morning when we had a lecture on eating patterns, I step back in progress. This time I asked for help. My professor and classmates gave me great ideas to help me recondition myself to be happy with food. I started this lunch by pairing food with a positive activity--computer games lol. I hope this will continue :)

super ego

I'm quite passionate about psychology and self-awareness, and I know not everyone feels as strongly as I do about the subject. It's funny how some of our best attributes, the ones that attracted our partner in the first place over time become the ones that bother them the most. LOL. He adored my passion and speaking about learning, language, self-concept, children, care in the beginning! lol--now I need to step back and see if it's the best time to go on a rant about what I just learned and applied to my own life--which will be a transition. I think my self-concept is in a strong place where I do not feel attacked or threatened, I remember when a comment like that could have brought on a shrieking thunderstorm... ahh those silly old days of uncontrollable anger. LOLLL

There are some people in my life who cannot see psychology as a valid science, and I respect that. I mean, where is the proof when it seems like all the information is anecdotal and one of the premier names you think about had some obsession with phallic representations and sexual repression in childhood. I get it, it's weird when you think of the theories that have come to stand for the discipline. For me, I didn't know it involved working with biologists, chemists, physicians, pharmacologists, neurologists, psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists and patients. When I thought of it in the past, all I had imagined were people in a room talking about how they feel. I didn't really think there was substancial biological evidence, I thought it were only based on statistical evidence that was already skewed because of a person's willingness to take the survey or being observed in the first place. So, I am seeing it differently from those who do not choose to learn about it. And I do see it differently because I have faith in the science and hope for all to cope with everyday life stressors more successfully. I believe people can change positively. I believe those demons can be kicked out of our thoughts if we are given a warm, supportive environment to sort out our past. It's possible. And it can be done by our own will--no one is in charge of your emotions and thoughts except for you. There should be no guilt about having control with your life.

As for the Frued stuff, the academic field has disregarded some of his theories, yet they do teach it as one of the milestones for how our childhood affects aspects of adulthood. So, that's why I am intrigued with Psychology--it is constantly presenting new information, people are aware of incorrect theories in the past, I think it checks itself by being aware of its flaws[ex: shock therapy :(] It has countlessly had an asterisk on the fact that correlation implies causation, it never proves it. It applies other disciplines to confirm or deny information. I think it's amazing to see the innerworkings of a person's brain as they are exposed to stimuli--and to see the continual similarities within us all. breathtaking!!!

Anyways, whenever I feel like my passionate rants aren't appropriate I will tell it to a classmate, or blog. I think it will be a safer outlet that won't damage any relationship I want to keep. hooray~

quick list

andy kaufman:
anti-institution
silly
dada
fluxus
brecht
unexpected
uncomfortable
silence
friction, stress
questioning reality
analysis of media
ephemeral performances
questioning fact, performance, social norms
en vivo performances
performance art
happenings
possible selves
staying in character
visceral reactions
endurance performances
Nikki S. Lee (year long 'projects') i don't agree with the racial aspect of certain critiques, i just adore long-term commitment to performance and exploring possible other selves.

Man on the Moon(1999) made me recall these lovely art gems.

temperament/personality of children

I had questions about the flexibility of personality for a while, and I feel like I'm becoming more familiar with the types and combination. I feel blessed that mine is a changeable one, and that I am a first-born. I don't know why, but there is a correlation between being the first child and success. Kinda cool. It's not causation, correlation and I'll take it lol.

So with the temperaments--I wish all children had changeable personalities, but most likely the personality of your child when they are born is how they are going to be the rest of their lives. I mean, there is parent involvement to SHAPE a child's self-concept, behaviors and such, but overall, the personality you see as a baby is the one you'll have to deal with when he or she is a teenager. Hm, an example? Well, there are four types of temperament: easy, slow to warm, difficult and changeable, which is a combination of the first three. How can you tell with a baby? This can be observed through a child's ability to sleep and/or reactions to new people. If a child takes forever to sleep, or any noise will wake your kid, I'm assuming the kid's a difficult temperament. I assume because I'm not always right. No one is.

Does this mean your parenting future will be laced with challenges? Not exactly. If you know what temperament your child has, that means you can prepare and give your child the right tools to succeed and make positive choices in this world as an adult. You yourself will also need to learn how to calmly focus on what needs to be done to have the needs of your child met. I have seen many parents focus on themselves, complain or feel entire frustrated about the burden of a 'difficult' child. I will confirm that it is challenging, and it is frustrating. It's also a great opportunity to see yourself grow to be able to guide a young person given their personality traits.

It also takes a great person to acknowledge areas that need improvement, to ask for advice, and if it were not successful, to NOT hold grudges. It's all trial and error, but there are ways of learning from others so unnecessary mistakes won't be made. That's why I love 'practicing' with other people's children lollll just kidding. I think I have been successful with so many families because I was able to separate myself emotionally from the 'moment'. Let's say a child is throwing a tantrum--many parents are unable to calm themselves, separate from the event and objectively act appropriately. I am attached to the children, I adore them and I love what I can do to improve their lives, but I know it takes time to learn how to respond rather than react.

How Temperament Affects Parents

In regards to taking advice from other parents, I find it difficult to. One reason is because in the past it has been condescending. It usually goes like this, "Well, you don't have any children, so you will never understand fully what it means to raise a child." In my mind, I go over all my experience with all the stages of development that I have had the personal experience of guiding and shaping successfully. I will admit I am not the expert on babies. I do know, however, how language is acquired, attachment is developed, the creation of self-concept and self-esteem, and parenting styles that cater to differing personality types. I also know about learning disabilities and early intervention programs from the state. I know about respectful parenting, offering choices and when to be firm. I know when to follow through and patterns of behavior. I mentor three young women, from their elementary years to now as high school students interested in college. YET I am not a parent.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never be validated by those parents. They have something stuck up their butts LOL. :)

Unless they are trained professionals with experience with children of varying social, emotional, cognitive, cultural backgrounds, I won't because it's biased. I will only take the advice if it's for their own child, because parents will know their children best. I will not deny that they are the number one source to learn about a child, besides 24-hour observation. I have had to show parents and empower them to act. It's very difficult to change when the current state of mind is one of loss (a child has a deficit of some sort), or pity (Why me?). I haven't been there in the past as a counselor or a behavioral therapist for the parents, but it seems like it may be an option for the future. If a person is willing to admit they need more skills to succeed, I think that's a wonderful place to start moving towards progress.

it's too colorful to me. i gotta chill with the rainbow explosions lol

old people

We finished cleaning up by 7:30pm and the priest and 3 senior women were sitting in the dining area waiting for the bus to arrive. I asked them if they were going to be alright if I left.

The priest replied, "Oh, we'll be fine. No one messes with grandma," as she looks at her knitting partner.

So I sat down for a few minutes next to J. She revealed to me that she was very scared her first Sunday here. The priest said it's quite natural to be scared of new things and new people. J smiled at me and asked,"Are you coming back?" I told her I'd try my best to come back every month.

She smiled again and said,"Good. I like you." She revealed that her grandmother had also attended this church forty years ago, and she'd never imagine being in the same shoes. J felt more comfortable, and said,"You know, I feel like this is my family. I can't believe I said that. I'm embarrassed."

The priest was happy to hear that, and I told her it was a wonderful thing to say and feel.

As the ladies were knitting, the priest said if someone messes with them, they'll just poke them away with their knitting pins.

I told them, "Oh you'll be fine because you're so OG."
The priest said, "I don't know what that means! I don't text!"
I covered my forehead and said surprised, "Oh, you don't know what that means! Uh..."
So I explained that it meant 'original gangsta' and I called them old school. All four of them laughed.

I gave them all hugs and walked out to my car. I repeated that I'd try my best to see them again.
- - - - -
I've been attending this activity since 2007, but when my own grandmother died, I spent more time visiting my blood relatives.

It was my adopted grandmother's birthday today. She turned 71 and I think that it's pretty young to be in a senior home. She married when she was 16, and fled from her country quickly. so when I asked if she had any pictures, she said the earliest pictures are when she is in her late twenties. I miss my grandmother, and I never met my grandmother on my paternal side, but I don't think my visiting seniors has to do with this replacement of family I lost. I just enjoy old people in general! Ever since I was a wee kid I adored sitting in my dad's waiting room at his shop and conversing with the old customers. They were vibrant when they shared their stories, and I felt like I owned something not everyone will ever possess--a part of the past, and wisdom that cannot be taught any other way. They also radiate this warmth, acceptance of mortality and appreciation of time. People my age don't usually possess this appreciation, and I always wanted to be surrounded by those who do feel this way. (I have met younger people who do learn appreciation, and it's usually those who come from difficult life experiences)
- - - - -
I got a call from the hospice director, and I have an interview on Monday. I feel like I am ready to further my understanding on the process of death, dying and loss. It can only make me stronger and learn methods of assisting others cope with varying forms of loss when I become a therapist.

my memory

I've added a second layer! Gotta keep this momentum going or else I'll never finish a painting lol~ The funny inspiration for layering came from... a MAKEUP tutorial! HA! I guess I really am a late bloomer. Even though I have a degree with this stuff and a sister who adores make up I never got the fundamentals of color down. The depression might have skewed all the learning I accumulated over those years as well. I really feel information and processing is linked to emotions, so if I were depressed the entire time I was in college, my best recollection would occur when I were in the same emotional state. That is my guess. When I find out more information to solidify my case, I'll come back to this post. And since I am not depressed anymore--I've learned methods of coping and acceptance, I cannot revert to those same emotions when I had learned that knowledge. I think it also goes with my memories with practically everyone I've met. I have a pretty lousy long-term memory. It might be something with my physical brain, its chemistry or some emotional-mental block that doesn't allow me to access... repressed memories? I don't know! But, E can take me somewhere he's taken me when we first met and I'd consider it all new! Kind of like 50 first dates, but not that extreme >_> One day, I'll figure out why. If not... I'm ok with getting excited about something I did years ago, but thinking it's the first time all the time. Kind of a romantic view of the world, I guess. <3

2-year-old painting doodle

I started this painting in 2007 after a really successful day working with children with special needs. I think my supervisor said something, or a parent was so grateful for my efforts. That, the physical positive improvements of the child and having the love of my life with me inspired the colors. It's pretty muted in the image. I guess i should plaster it on, huh? Time to work on it.

never posted work before

I usually don't post things that I make because I've felt they're never "good enough". I so really need to stop doing that. My doodles are fun, dreamlike and I like them darn it! lol I'm trying to see it anyone would like to buy them. My first priority is to continue painting, but I have so many inspirations every time i close my eyes it's getting difficult to jot them all down~ It's been a while since I've felt so inspired, and quite happy! I think this summer was strange--I had no music in my thoughts. Since I've seriously taken steps towards my dreams I've noticed that my thoughts are filled with art, I see more beauty everywhere I walk, and I always want to sing and make good food for my loved ones. I feel so good! :D

This is not finished, but finished. get it? lol. I used acrylic on canvas with doodles in sharpee. I'm sure it's very colorful for some. It reminds me of a good trip--or so I've heard. :)

I'm not sure which way to format the piece. Which way conveys the most movement?!

offering advice

I work with children and I see myself as a lifelong learner. For me, it means that I will always have room for improvement, however awesome I may grow to be in this field. :) I think understanding emotions, psychology, human development and therapy enable me to see myself from the outside, although I mess up at times. I do. Sometimes I say something that can't be taken back, or let my emotions cause me to react instead of respond. But, it means I acknowledge that I am not an expert in any field--I can be passionate and informed, but there will always be someone who is 'better' than I am. There will always be someone to learn from.

It's like people who say, "I love children. I love working with them." It does NOT mean they are knowledgeable or actually good with them! Those are very different things, yet they are always mistaken. Love for something does not equal skill. I'm sorry, but it doesn't. And so, when I offer advice and it's taken the wrong way, I wish people could see it from my side--if you love kids and want to work with them, you need to learn and practice methods and find your area of passion. Simply saying, "I love kids." is not enough for me. You need to be informed and skilled in this profession. Do you understand developmental stages? Do you understand how to cater to differing learning styles or children of lower SES or language deficits? Do you know how to foster independence and a positive self concept without being too overbearing? If you can start by answering these questions, I'll start talking to you as a colleague lol.

In terms of emotional awareness, just because you are aware doesn't mean you know how to listen proactively, resolve crises or conflict. But, I wasn't implying that in the first place. I wasn't! >_> When I was offering advice, it's not a blow to yourself as a person. It was me saying that I have this awesome book that I have found to be truly helpful in understanding my partner. If your partner is willing to try out the exercises, let me know. OMG I guess I reworded and solved my own problem in retrospect lol. i am so lame. But, i did something I wasn't supposed to do: I gave advice instead of asking if a person wanted it. That's a no-no! :( And I knew it after I did it. I gotta watch myself more closely.

being poor.

...is totally a state of mind, and it's relative to your definition and a global definition. i know. i know it sounds very material and shallow but i feel like as a photographer, and someone who views my appearance still, as a form of art, this inability to dress how i feel although it has been shaped by fashion, has been limited. so the urge will be there to *want* those pretty ruffled skirts or tops, but i have felt this separation from clothing for so long, i feel like i'm in a time warp as well. the clothing does define an era and with it comes differing values and memories. so here i am, stuck in the early 2000s as a gothlolli mixed in with hippy raver with Tshirt and second-hand jeans.

i know my situation is ok. we can pay rent and the bills, but our quality of life has gone down because of the lack of extra fun stuff like going out to eat or me being able to dye my hair or buy makeup >_> which is trivial because i always stress inner beauty MEH!

sis stated the obvious that i'm too lazy to maintain my appearance, hence no make-up or hairstyle, or "product" usage. that one goes back to how i feel about female gender roles, my own role as a positive model for young girls and this lack of something called, "money." i have never had enough money to want to spare on my appearance. /sigh i feel it's not on the top three vital things for survival, and i'm just not used to putting effort into my looks. food, water, appearance? lol it's crazy to me, yet i know as a professional, you need to look presentable and one of the first things to be identified to your organization is how you look. gotta balance everything, i guess.

all-in-all, i'm rich in life experience and fulfillment@!! CHEESEY!

the choice to be a social worker.

I've blogged about this several times, and it never really seems to change about how I made the choice to accept my responsibility as a functional member of society. My passion has spread to all age groups and stages of life, but it will always go back to my first best friend in elementary school: she would ride her bike to my house to get away from her not-so-warm family environment. I remember bruises covering her legs and arms, it could have been from simply being a child, but her emotions and personality convinced me otherwise. I always wanted to protect her, and take her away to something better, but what could I have done? I was only six years old.

Kids aren't supposed to save each other from their families. That's how I felt, and when I was nine years old, I stated that I will become a social worker. I still wonder how she is, and I even tried searching for her on FB. She's my first inspiration to help others who cannot help themselves--children and the elderly.

Personally, my experience through certain life stages and coping has also directed me towards this greater understanding as well. Having had a friend, a love, commit suicide during my teens has given me strength and a deep understanding of how it feels to be at the bottom. I think it offers me a feeling of humanity when it comes to emotions and how fragile stability may be at times. I have some close friends who have difficulty living with their negative emotions, so I understand not all have the flexibility or personality to cope alone. I won't be able to counsel family or friends directly, because it's unethical and messy, but I can always listen and offer myself as a model for healthy personal growth and acceptance.

Through my college career the inspiration has come from many children I have worked with in several settings. It comes from ELLs who need fair treatment in understanding the content, young children who need informed parents so they can receive free guidance from the government or a general good start towards learning, children with special needs who cannot voice those needs who depend on professionals to read their cues, low SES kids who are so bright and resilient, but need that extra guidance to succeed. I see inspiration to continue every where I am, and with each child I meet. I have been priviledged to impact the lives of 15 individuals or families so far. I want to continue untill I reach at least 100. Round numbers are nice. lol

"Can you help me learn to use my right arm again?"

I was finishing up in the gym a few days back, and this man in a wheelchair beckons me over with his left arm. I come up to him and he asks me,
"Can you help me?"
I look at his arm, how his right forearm is caved in, and then at him.
He says, "Pinched nerb."
"Excuse me?," I ask.
"Pinched nerb, I have, a pinched nerb. From this Labor Day."
"Oh! You have a pinched nerve."
"Can, you, help, me? Do, you, think, I, can, use, it, again?"
I look at his arm again, and he's holding a five-pound weight.
"I don't know much about physical therapy. I would help you, but I don't want you to get hurt. I'm not sure how to help, but I can talk to you while you exercise."
He asks, "Can I call you?"
He shuffles his left arm through a bag on the side of his wheelchair. He hands me his phone.
"Do you text?"
"Hmm?" I ask.
"Text--so you can un-der-stand me."
"Oh, sure. I text."
"Will, you, answer, it, if I, call?"
"I won't answer immediately... sometimes I will. Usually I'd call people back, but I will answer it when I can."

I type in my name and number into his phone. I hand it back, and pronounce my name clearly for him. He offers me his hand and says it was very nice to meet me. I shake his hand and walk out of the gym.

That moment made me think of a few things--how I miss my god brother who is in a similar physical situation, how I don't pity him, yet admire his resilience and willing to ask for help so early after his incident, and how I don't know how to respond or how I should have responded to him. I tried my best to be respectful, and watch out for my personal liability. Because, I'm not a physical therapist. I don't want to pretend I'm something I'm not to help someone. It also made me think of his progress with mourning the loss of his body, and partial cognitive function. He is a truly resilient individual--so open to receive help from others, I think he'd be a great role model for younger people who are going through a similar situation of loss.