My new tattoo on my right ribcage :) It's going to be super awesome!
Painting that was inspired by B's strength as a woman!I've been strengthening my tolerance to alcohol quite successfully lately, and through this process, have met some beautifully gorgeous and put together people, the type of people who I wouldn't categorize as such after the first few times meeting them. But yes, beautifully gorgeous and put together.
I guess I could say I am infatuated and curious, but to honestly pursue this would result in chaos with my personal state at the moment. It's been fun. I've been dolling myself up and driving around LA and OC meeting people at my pace, smiling and dancing and singing until the night is over, ending it all with an awesomely delicious In N Out burger and memorably honest and sexy conversations with desirable men. If I could, I'd put myself in one particular man's pocket and be with him all day. Sounds like codependency to me, so I stopped it before the self-destruction happened again (OK he stopped it. LOL). But his voice, and confidence... and the way he steps into a room... I feel like he commands respect without even trying, and he looks so darn smoking in a suit. Every time I think about him in a suit I need to wipe a tiny bit a drool from the side of my lip. Silly girl.
Dr. M straight up asked me, "Why did it take so long to reach this conclusion?" It's fear, of course. I am scared of hurting others with my choices for personal happiness. He acknowledged this as how a disappointing majority of the population thinks. We are so scared to make ourselves happy, fearing that this choice will affect others negatively... so negative that it outweighs our desires to be happy.
I feel like this is a gigantic hurdle that will catalyze more growth for me. Sexy M, not Dr. M, told me I need to hit rock bottom before I can rebuild myself, and see what I want next. He swears my tastes will become clearer and at the end of this process I'll want to be with a man better than him. We'll see. Maybe I will, and maybe I won't. Reminds self of the sexy suit. So hot, so, so hot.
High School B has grown so much since we've really had time to talk. I respect her greatly, and feel so lucky to have her as support and a model of a strong female. She has totally got her shit together, emotionally, financially, spiritually... she is the entire package. She has not compromised herself at all to get where she is, and she hasn't let a man or any one else in her life manipulate her emotions for their personal gain. That will be a goal for me this year. I want to become an emotionally stronger person, choose myself over others and be at peace with my choices for happiness.
I've been exercising every day and gradually adding more to the regiment. I feel like I'm in one of those feel good movies where the protagonist is conquering her emotions and winning in life haha. I've been running back and forth at the park across the street singing and dancing to electronic music as I run in my little corner of grassy serenity, and swinging on my swing. I've painted so many new paintings, either fueled by desire for men I am not ready to pursue, or sweet memories of good friendships. I've been closing my eyes and envisioning new drawings and actually have been able to transfer the images as I see them in my mind onto paper. It's something I've been having difficulty with for the longest time, and yet I have met success! My thoughts flow more freely and I feel more alive. I feel like I can drive off into the desert at any moment with my artist cousin and capture the loveliness of a desert sunrise.
I feel like I am me again, and I will remember not to compromise my emotions for some one else's happiness, even if it will hurt that person. I will not do that to myself again. I will also remember to cut the ties quickly so there will be less pain for both parties involved.
Thanks for reading. I hope you have a wonderful life of growth and fulfillment!
I guess I could say I am infatuated and curious, but to honestly pursue this would result in chaos with my personal state at the moment. It's been fun. I've been dolling myself up and driving around LA and OC meeting people at my pace, smiling and dancing and singing until the night is over, ending it all with an awesomely delicious In N Out burger and memorably honest and sexy conversations with desirable men. If I could, I'd put myself in one particular man's pocket and be with him all day. Sounds like codependency to me, so I stopped it before the self-destruction happened again (OK he stopped it. LOL). But his voice, and confidence... and the way he steps into a room... I feel like he commands respect without even trying, and he looks so darn smoking in a suit. Every time I think about him in a suit I need to wipe a tiny bit a drool from the side of my lip. Silly girl.
Dr. M straight up asked me, "Why did it take so long to reach this conclusion?" It's fear, of course. I am scared of hurting others with my choices for personal happiness. He acknowledged this as how a disappointing majority of the population thinks. We are so scared to make ourselves happy, fearing that this choice will affect others negatively... so negative that it outweighs our desires to be happy.
I feel like this is a gigantic hurdle that will catalyze more growth for me. Sexy M, not Dr. M, told me I need to hit rock bottom before I can rebuild myself, and see what I want next. He swears my tastes will become clearer and at the end of this process I'll want to be with a man better than him. We'll see. Maybe I will, and maybe I won't. Reminds self of the sexy suit. So hot, so, so hot.
High School B has grown so much since we've really had time to talk. I respect her greatly, and feel so lucky to have her as support and a model of a strong female. She has totally got her shit together, emotionally, financially, spiritually... she is the entire package. She has not compromised herself at all to get where she is, and she hasn't let a man or any one else in her life manipulate her emotions for their personal gain. That will be a goal for me this year. I want to become an emotionally stronger person, choose myself over others and be at peace with my choices for happiness.
I've been exercising every day and gradually adding more to the regiment. I feel like I'm in one of those feel good movies where the protagonist is conquering her emotions and winning in life haha. I've been running back and forth at the park across the street singing and dancing to electronic music as I run in my little corner of grassy serenity, and swinging on my swing. I've painted so many new paintings, either fueled by desire for men I am not ready to pursue, or sweet memories of good friendships. I've been closing my eyes and envisioning new drawings and actually have been able to transfer the images as I see them in my mind onto paper. It's something I've been having difficulty with for the longest time, and yet I have met success! My thoughts flow more freely and I feel more alive. I feel like I can drive off into the desert at any moment with my artist cousin and capture the loveliness of a desert sunrise.
I feel like I am me again, and I will remember not to compromise my emotions for some one else's happiness, even if it will hurt that person. I will not do that to myself again. I will also remember to cut the ties quickly so there will be less pain for both parties involved.
Thanks for reading. I hope you have a wonderful life of growth and fulfillment!
