heavy

Daylight lasts a tiny bit longer, now that the season is changing. Thirty extra minutes of sparkle kissing the edges of the pink and purple clouds as they turn into this chilling reminder of love turned into a psychotic breakdown lilac clouds actually gives me peace. It gives me a peace that I have been yearning for. -So long-

And of course with this fragment of bliss comes my familiar, Sadness. She's been kind to me this year--I can say that we've had this silent understanding and mutual respect for one another. I don't think I've had an episode where I've let her win for long. It could just be my continuous short-term memory protecting me, gotta love hypomnesia (I found the term and condition to be shared with a fellow artist, one whom I think has more of a right to claim than I do. Think: child of war.)

I haven't verbalized the heaviness on my heart, pressure between my eyes, and desires to destroy my self-containment for a few years. I've been able to handle it ^_^. But tonight, I'm allowing myself a release from control. My entire life I've searched for methods to control the world around me when my thoughts and emotions did not 'match' my ideals for myself. My entire life I've sat frozen repeating maladaptive thoughts, words that became my conscience for years, damaging words and created a pattern of life that I am unable to completely abandon. Even though I have tried, to learn. And tried so hard, to find strength and control. And tried so hard to find peace with myself, peace with my past and peace with those who have hurt me, those who watched it happen and let it go because mental illness is not real.

It goes away with age and silence.

I have been trying, and I have beaten Her down to a bloody pulp countless times. But she's a bitch and is quite resilient. She stays hidden, lingering around the few memories I have left of my life, and when those memories are triggered, it's like her battle cry. She is ready and I am left defenseless.

I feel torn and exhausted. Is it even worth bringing up now, as an adult with the ability to speak level-headedly, when my own mother has never modeled appropriate displays of emotion? Asian women have no emotion. We are quiet, stoic creatures. Asian-American women are torn, as are many hyphenated Americans. We're born into two worlds and must conform to the rules of both in order to maintain balance. Impossible! I am sure most of us have or will have the internal conflicts and choose.

I have chosen my balance, and I am working on my peace. It was just a little tougher today.

remembering who i am

I am an artist. I may be a teacher and a mentor and a student, but i feel it within every cell of my body--i will always be an artist first. If i had to choose one word to identify with, it would be artist. I see the beauty of this world, in nature, in people, in the air that we breathe, the quiet of sleeping children, the energy of discovery in life for all ages, it is all art. The sadness in everyday struggles for survival, the enthusiasm of shared accomplishments, they are all beautiful events that make this world so sometimes unbearably emotional to live in lol. I'll take it all, even the hard times like right now.

I can't pick and choose, but I can learn to accept, forgive and move forward. I've accepted how I tend to choose solitude, yet am very social. It drains me either way. I love both. I accept my poor memory, but it does not mean I can act carelessly because I will probably forget. I have just accepted it. Nothing more nothing less. I have accepted that I need to step it up to get into grad school. I've learned a multitude of tools to run a developmental center with my current job, but I need to be srs with my application for the next year. Sooner or later I'll need to work more than learn lol.

I saw Tegan and Sara, Tiesto videos today and the music, the bass, the loudness of it all!!!! reminded me that I am an artist, and I need to live like one. I cannot deny who I was born to be. Painting and drawing can do so much... because we have only so much wallspace to cover lol. I need to remember how to see this world in all its wonderous magic. I need to throw a few more items of clothes away, box some others for sentimental reasons and have an artist makeover :D YAY

poor episodic memory

My siblings and I were watching I Am Legend yesterday, and I was describing the movie in my own perspective. I asked my brother if he's seen it before, and he said we watched it together in the movie theatre. My sister and E have also commented on how poor my recollection is, and it's starting to scare me. I know I don't remember events in my life vividly unless they were severely emotional experiences. My procedural memory is amazing, and my love of school continues to show how functional this memory is for me.

A classmate in my physiological psych class brought these journals about selective memory last year and it tries to find answers to why some people have the ability to "erase" memories. I have my own hypothesis using what I've learned about the brain: my amygdala focused on negative experiences for my survival as a child, and it's a pattern that I cannot fix. Throughout my life I've developed maladaptive behaviors (OCD) when exposed to similar negative or anxiety producing situations and as an adult who has finally learned productive methods of coping and acceptance for these past experiences and present similar situations... I am stuck.

I was boggled for years with why I don't remember people in my life, even if I know for certain we were good friends. My brain is just wired strangely when it comes to choosing which types of memories are going to be kept. I'm worried if this continues, I won't be able to remember happier moments, like when my child is born. We watched home videos together the other day and I'm trying to pair people with memories, but it's quite difficult. I remember when my cousins were in pain, or when something sad happened when we were together, but I don't remember doing anything fun or happy with them. I'm not trying to find memories. A professor once said sometimes memories are suppressed for a reason. It's a way for us to cope and move onward with our lives. Sometimes digging in the past will take you somewhere you don't want to be. I'm just trying to stop this pattern before I end up like Memento. That's way too creepy and exaggerated, but you know what I mean.

June not so gloomy!

It's been cloudy and not so hot, so I'm enjoying this presummer chill ^__^. I was speaking to my mom about preschool children and my new job, and she's happy that I'm happy so that makes me happy to see her happy that I am too lol. I described these fraternal boy and girl twins at the center and she told me about how my brother and I were when we were little. She said my brother was clingy to the teacher, adored her, but as for me, I could care less. I did my thing and walked from one center to the other. She said I've always been independent, and that made me smile. It's funny how it took me years to understand the circumstances that created who I am, and how my personality adjusted to these catalysts. I always wanted a mom who was a mom, but I am sure if I had one when I "wanted" it, I would not benefit from all that I've discovered on my own. I am happy to be a person who will not be a victim, and someone who is learning to forgive others. I spoke to my professor about forgiveness and happiness, and he agrees that it is one of the most difficult things to do in this lifetime.

I am thankful of learning from others, and for being realistic enough to know that I do not know it all, and everyone has something to offer me. I am grateful for my mother's growth as well. She has taken the time to discover herself, and I'm energized to see how much she is learning about this new person and having peace with her. It's something I've wanted for the women in my family for a long time--peace with oneself.

So, the women I work with are living hard times. I won't even explain, it's just hard. One thing I will comment on though, is something my friend could not empathize with: these women choose to stay in relationships that demean them. He just couldn't get it. I agreed that a woman who respects herself will not be in a relationship that is harmful to her well-being, but I can empathize with those who do not value themselves as highly as they should. And it got me sad. It just fueled my fire to get that women's support group started as soon as I can. I cannot wait. Sometimes all we need is some knowledge and a friend.

Happiness Daily Exercise

Everyday I will try to list five things, great or small, that I am grateful for.
1.) potatoes
2.) seeing my niece and nephew
3.) seeing my grandfather healthy
4.) celebrating my partner's birthday with cousins
5.) having time to vent frustrations openly

I am currently reading The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky, which was recommended by my professor, a Positive Psychology advocate. We'll see how things go :)

having a mentor or support group

I chatted with my mentor this morning. She was a psychology professor I had taken two wonderful classes with, and since I've decided to move towards new goals in life, I asked her to help support me with my direction. She's doing an excellent job lol. I feel more motivated and confident with my skills and past achievements, and how they will assist me with my future. My mentor offered me alternatives to the same goal, and it was warm not criticizing like a mother would do, even though most mothers think nagging equals caring.

I think I will always seek a mentor for something in life, whether it's for going back to school or searching for a new adventure or goal to accomplish. I have been mentoring girls and young women for a while now--six years, and I want to model what I do for these girls: seeking someone for guidance and support when you need it. Having someone who knows more about whatever field I'm interested in offers me their experience and guidance I could never obtain any other way. I try my best to offer guidance to the girls with their lives, and I cannot grow without learning constantly in my own life.

I also chatted with my dear friend, B. We talked about the benefits of the female gender stereotype, where we are allowed to feel more than the default emotions men are allowed to feel or understand. We wish we could retrain a population where both genders were allowed to feel all emotions without fears of being reprimanded or labeled an outsider of their genders. For women, we are more open to acknowledge feelings of depression. Men label it exhaustion or feelings of tiredness. Ah, my point. Having a support group is vital for healthy emotional well-being. Women who get together to talk are releasing stress and working their cognitive dramas out loud. This enables us to be more aware of what triggers our emotions as well as our partner's, which then allows us to avoid future negative outcomes. Men do not usually do this. I wish I had more information about stress and its negative effects on the physical body, but stress is serious stuff.

*btw support group is any person who will listen that is not your partner. This person shouldn't offer you advice unless you ask, and does not get you fired up about a negative topic. This person should help you reason and calm you down.

*the link is a start about stress

starting over again

"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth."

Benjamin Disraeli
British politician (1804 - 1881)

Happy 2010! I am fortunate to have a partner who is willing to take risks in life with me. And I need to know when there is no point in fighting for something I will never win. The logic and perspectives are not matching, so there is no use explaining. It turns out I will not be that boomerang kid like so many others. We are starting over financially. He told me, "At least you're living honestly," and how karma will brighten my days in the future. I wish I believed in it lol. Instead, I will continue with this endless search for employment. I will continue with losing money every month for the satisfaction of living on my own, and keeping the intimacy with my partner alive. We will be ok, and we both gave our word to work towards a positive future. We were in the kitchen making dinner tonight and he reminded me, "At least we're smiling and have each other." It does mean a lot to me, to have someone to remind me that things are always fluid, constantly changing, no matter how difficult it seems.

I have enough money to pay for grad school. And I am getting my application ready to send. I'm still sad about the future financial struggles that lie ahead, but fortunately for us we really are poor hippies. The free things in life really are the best when you're forced to search for them.