My siblings and I were watching I Am Legend yesterday, and I was describing the movie in my own perspective. I asked my brother if he's seen it before, and he said we watched it together in the movie theatre. My sister and E have also commented on how poor my recollection is, and it's starting to scare me. I know I don't remember events in my life vividly unless they were severely emotional experiences. My procedural memory is amazing, and my love of school continues to show how functional this memory is for me.
A classmate in my physiological psych class brought these journals about selective memory last year and it tries to find answers to why some people have the ability to "erase" memories. I have my own hypothesis using what I've learned about the brain: my amygdala focused on negative experiences for my survival as a child, and it's a pattern that I cannot fix. Throughout my life I've developed maladaptive behaviors (OCD) when exposed to similar negative or anxiety producing situations and as an adult who has finally learned productive methods of coping and acceptance for these past experiences and present similar situations... I am stuck.
I was boggled for years with why I don't remember people in my life, even if I know for certain we were good friends. My brain is just wired strangely when it comes to choosing which types of memories are going to be kept. I'm worried if this continues, I won't be able to remember happier moments, like when my child is born. We watched home videos together the other day and I'm trying to pair people with memories, but it's quite difficult. I remember when my cousins were in pain, or when something sad happened when we were together, but I don't remember doing anything fun or happy with them. I'm not trying to find memories. A professor once said sometimes memories are suppressed for a reason. It's a way for us to cope and move onward with our lives. Sometimes digging in the past will take you somewhere you don't want to be. I'm just trying to stop this pattern before I end up like Memento. That's way too creepy and exaggerated, but you know what I mean.
A classmate in my physiological psych class brought these journals about selective memory last year and it tries to find answers to why some people have the ability to "erase" memories. I have my own hypothesis using what I've learned about the brain: my amygdala focused on negative experiences for my survival as a child, and it's a pattern that I cannot fix. Throughout my life I've developed maladaptive behaviors (OCD) when exposed to similar negative or anxiety producing situations and as an adult who has finally learned productive methods of coping and acceptance for these past experiences and present similar situations... I am stuck.
I was boggled for years with why I don't remember people in my life, even if I know for certain we were good friends. My brain is just wired strangely when it comes to choosing which types of memories are going to be kept. I'm worried if this continues, I won't be able to remember happier moments, like when my child is born. We watched home videos together the other day and I'm trying to pair people with memories, but it's quite difficult. I remember when my cousins were in pain, or when something sad happened when we were together, but I don't remember doing anything fun or happy with them. I'm not trying to find memories. A professor once said sometimes memories are suppressed for a reason. It's a way for us to cope and move onward with our lives. Sometimes digging in the past will take you somewhere you don't want to be. I'm just trying to stop this pattern before I end up like Memento. That's way too creepy and exaggerated, but you know what I mean.
I chanced on your blog through this entry on a search for 'poor procedural memory'. I am in search of answers to my own memory - I have an odd memory in that I have very vivid, graphic memories that are almost photographic when it comes spaces, places, colours, appearances, behaviours and nuance, even down to the vocal intonation of people and the atmospheric sounds, yet I have virtually no memory of my own behaviour, speech or decisions. I cannot remember how I behaved - it is not that I lack awareness, if anything I have overcompensated for the awareness by having very high levels of anxiety and neuroticism, becoming introspective and self-critical as a result. I have so little memory about the actual content of what was said to me, or my replies - I suppose this is episodic memory - that I struggle to watch movies in that I forget the plot but remember all the other details. I have had many conflicts with authorities as a child for my oppositional, defiant behaviour, yet I have little memory of what was actually communicated to me. I have vivid memories of their faces, down to the frames of their spectacles or the colour of the sunlight that streamed in from the window beside them.
ReplyDeleteI also have poor procedural memory - I had practiced the piano for 7 years, yet I remained at grade 1. I could not read the next note on the scores. I also struggled with sports - on top of my inability to focus on instructions communicated, every movement I made was a conscious one. I struggle to remember sequences of actions - despite being talented at drawing, I have only been capable of copying (reproducing from observation), and scarcely able to produce any drawing from a procedural memory of how things are drawn.
I am searching for answers - my parents, teachers and counsellors have had plenty of theories, from autism to sensory issues. I was gifted as a child and sometimes I wonder if that tag had eclipsed other labels that could have found me some closure. I suspect that I have undiagnosed ADHD and I would like to know if you have any similarities in your problems with memory.
Thank you for such a candid response. Well, I am not sure if you've ever taken psychology of the brain or neurology courses for fun, but after I learned of the structure of the brain and how certain damage may occur leading to specific behaviors, I feel more at ease with my deficit in memory. Your case is curious though. Both memories... I was gifted as a child, too. I think we're in a similar boat here. Since you've noted oppositional defiant behavior in your past, I'm wondering if it isn't Asperger's, but that really would only be if you're unable to read social cues... You seem extremely intelligent. A friend of mine has been struggling with bipolar her entire life, and the psychiatrist has been giving her cocktails of everything under the sun. Sadly, after twelve years the doctor decided to try ADHD medication on her and like magic, her mood and focus improved dramatically. I'm wondering if something as simple as ADHD medication would alleviate some root brain imbalance and change your capacity in memory.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that people could not see over these labels they had given you as a child. This is something that I empathize greatly with you.