children of alcoholics, dysfunctional families, now adults

dysfunction and its long-term results in children behavior

Personal Reminder

Dear Me,

Forgive yourself for your flaws and past failures.
Let go of the past. Remember it, but do not dwell on memories.
Live for the present.
Develop the strength to continue.
Truly believe that you can be a better person every day.
Empathize with others who are struggling.
Understand that not all are ready to change.
Do not let anyone control your emotions, except yourself.

Listen to more music, especially Lady Gaga lol.
Give one meaningful compliment to someone every day of your life.

Love always,
Me

passion

I finished my guidance final in 20 minutes and rushed over to the bursar's office for a refund. (I'm taking a chill semester and focusing on finding a bajillion jobs to pay for school next year) I had the most energizing conversation with a mom who decided to go back to school. She's in her 30s and came here from North Africa. I think she and I have a similar philosophy of life--we live so long that there is plenty of time to discover who we are. There will be changes in life or else our journeys would be predictable and boring. We want to model a lifelong journey of growth and acceptance, yet we will not take the negativity of others who cannot believe what we do is right, or who cannot understand that in this lifetime, you are either a person who tries, fails and learns or is too scared to change. I am fueled by her passion to grow. I want others to succeed and explore their options. I'm just really happy to have grown up in this country. I know if I were raised in a collectivist society, my values would be so strongly tied to my family's choices of what is "right or wrong". I am very thankful to have this opportunity to live during an era where the perspectives on learning and occupations are changing. We have such a long journey to live, there is no one way to live it, and I value my experience and people I meet along the way. I am looking forward to meeting the many more passionate people in this world, who will succeed for themselves, their children and to tell those who said they couldn't do it, they could. That made my day. :)

whining

A woman whom I was a hospice volunteer for had just passed away. It's so much bigger than my gripes about money--it's life or death.

I'm slowly getting it. And I can't be mad at other people who have no empathy, selfish people who lie to their parents or cannot imagine how difficult my situation is yet not extend their empathy. I get it. This world is not full of people like me. It will not always be warm, giving, understanding, tolerable, or kind. I get it.

Not receiving help... I don't think that's my issue. I think it's the acknowledgment that I am doing okay with my partner even though it has been tough. We, the two hippies, are doing alright despite my family's values about money, and despite my background growing up with money. I feel like a person should not live beyond her means.

Here we go: the real reason. And it took some time to reason to it, huh? I feel like an outcast, and I am tired of having to try to appease others' anger about not understanding or believing that i do NOT need money, that I am doing well living my life as a lifelong student, working with children for low pay, and volunteering with old people who tell awesome stories. My beliefs of happiness outweigh my desires to be wealthy. It has always been this way, yet my family cannot let it go. They fear that I will be a financial burden in the future, yet there is no proof. I have been fine on my own for years. I wish the projection would be aimed at the right person.

I feel like it's completely unfair for me to pay for my parent's mortgages when I haven't fully lived my own life. Hell, I don't even have a family of my own. I don't have any money to spare. My mother waited until she was 35 to have me--I wish she could extend me the same timeline before I had to give up part of my dreams, dreams which require money, to take care of her. It's no fun being in a sandwich generation. If I have to pay for their mortgages, and supplement her lousy retirement pay, I'm not going to have children. FORGET IT.

I would be an awesome parent. People have told me this for years, and parents remind me that I will be when they see how successful I am with their children. This stress and unwanted burden will push me over the edge, and perhaps we will adopt in the future. As for now, I'm not having children. I feel like it's such a waste of my knowledge and experience to have it thrown away because of this added responsibility. Ah, experiencing another loss of a dream.

I will be okay. My partner and I will figure something out. For now, I'm sad, and a little spiteful. Life isn't always fair, and I will find another dream to fulfill. Patience is one of my strengths, and I am thankful to have it grow every year I work with children or the elderly.

discovering myself

My dad called and it sparked a huge fight with my partner and I. It was funny because we both knew I redirected my frustrations onto the wrong person, but I really needed to verbalize my fears. Dad told me to "hurry up" with school. Well, it's not that easy when I have no models nor support within the family to make this a reality. No one's shown me, and I do feel lost. I've learned more of my direction with every job and class I've taken, and every mentor and child I've met along this journey, but I took a personal blow when my dad expressed his anxiety over my future. I even looked over my FaceBook friends list to see how many people are currently pursuing their Master's, PhDs or finishing up college. I got 35 friends. Most are my age--27 or 28 so it felt nice to be in good company. I wish I could explain to my parents that I am okay, and I don't view money the same way as they do--I'm a hippy artist. I am so grateful to have had the time to process my thoughts and focus on a dream. I know not many people get to realize this until later in life.

I also understand it's something a parent, no matter how old, will ever stop doing. It's innate or something. Parents worry about their children. I want to open up my brain and have a power point of all my ideas, goals and detailed plans I have for achieving them. It's a difference in generations too I think. I don't see the purpose of work as a means to purely make money and buy all the things I need, or to be secure. Sure, I will work to get the bills paid, but I see work as a definition of myself when possible, and I am going to take all this experience to become something so amazing for this world.

I scheduled three part-time jobs, my stats class and hopefully meetings with a counselor to get some more guidance back into my life. I had to drop Hospice volunteering because the early hours limited my availability for work. I'm hoping I can do some afternoon bereavement call volunteering.

developmental milestones

I tried to find something with as little text as possible:

Developmental Milestones

Good luck to all young parents and families. Remember that every child has his or her own pace of development. These milestones can occur before of after the 'appropriate' time. I would only worry if your child does not have any language, eye contact or motor movement close to a few months of the 'normal' range. If you have any concerns, be specific with your documentation or observations and contact a specialist.

learning and memory

My professor is highly critical of clinical psychology (he's a neuroscientist) and I guess I am as well--this idea of normality is so vague. People who cannot function with whatever brain or emotional imbalance should get diagnosed so they can receive treatment and learn to cope, but I don't know. He said something that made me piece together another part of my personal puzzle. I understand that there is childhood 'amnesia' purely because the brain is still pruning itself and working out the most efficient wiring techniques, so I do understand why languages or skills acquired during childhood would be more successful than those acquired during adulthood. The wiring is there and the connections between the entire brain have been strengthened over time. (it's the whole use it or lose it thing. i believe it's true.) Anyways, he said the entire purpose of memory is to learn and survivability. In a person who has not developed maladaptive thoughts or recalls memories over and over, he or she will remember things that serve a purpose for survival. We are more likely to retain something that is unique to other events in our life so we can retrieve it for future reference.

I was always confused with why my memories were so jumbled. He used this analogy of a card catalog system: when we experience something similar or new to something we already have memories about, this new information is put on that same "card" so details can be mixed up. He said instead of forming a new 'card' of information, if the experience is similar to something you've already 'catalogued' it will go onto that card. It's very cool to learn that knowledge is limitless but it's usually the 'jist' of an experience; we learn details. When we recall, there is this unconscious fabrication involved with explaining events we believe to be true and vivid recollections. Since we have only learned the important details, or purpose of an experience, our minds try their best to piece it all together in order to make a recollection appear seamless.

There have been studies of people who were on a polygraph telling unconcious fabrications that they believed to be true. Their brain waves and functioning appeared exactly the same as those who were telling the truth. So, I learned that eye-witness accounts and polygraphs are lousy evidence (~60% accurate). Hooray for our justice system. We respond differently to key terms, and "leading" questions can also affect answers as well. These are tests administered by and evaluated by people...

Anyways, back to me... I am the subject >_> I have been unable, for the life of me, forever... to recall events from the past correctly and I've always wondered, "Why?" I think I'm getting closer to my answer: my brain chooses to keep "important" information, and I guess I had no choice what I wanted to keep as a child. I remember trauma, pain, and some happiness. I'm assuming this is normal, but it can also be maladaptive. A classmate says he remembers near-death experiences when he was two. I am sure these memories were not removed during pruning because the brain acknowledged this information as important for later survival, "If i experience a similar event, I will use what I learned from it to survive" kinda mentality? I think. For me, I have jumbled routines as memories because that's basically what I have as my past. I cannot differentiate one day from another, my childhood was very monotonous (for me). I know it was fun, but as a teenager with depression, my emotions reinforced the memory of certain events over others.

I know something will trigger happy memories to resurface, but I can accept it not happening. I have learned to live in the present, and accept myself as all that I am. My past made me, but dwelling on the "why's" will not move me towards the "hows" I can improve.