discovering myself

My dad called and it sparked a huge fight with my partner and I. It was funny because we both knew I redirected my frustrations onto the wrong person, but I really needed to verbalize my fears. Dad told me to "hurry up" with school. Well, it's not that easy when I have no models nor support within the family to make this a reality. No one's shown me, and I do feel lost. I've learned more of my direction with every job and class I've taken, and every mentor and child I've met along this journey, but I took a personal blow when my dad expressed his anxiety over my future. I even looked over my FaceBook friends list to see how many people are currently pursuing their Master's, PhDs or finishing up college. I got 35 friends. Most are my age--27 or 28 so it felt nice to be in good company. I wish I could explain to my parents that I am okay, and I don't view money the same way as they do--I'm a hippy artist. I am so grateful to have had the time to process my thoughts and focus on a dream. I know not many people get to realize this until later in life.

I also understand it's something a parent, no matter how old, will ever stop doing. It's innate or something. Parents worry about their children. I want to open up my brain and have a power point of all my ideas, goals and detailed plans I have for achieving them. It's a difference in generations too I think. I don't see the purpose of work as a means to purely make money and buy all the things I need, or to be secure. Sure, I will work to get the bills paid, but I see work as a definition of myself when possible, and I am going to take all this experience to become something so amazing for this world.

I scheduled three part-time jobs, my stats class and hopefully meetings with a counselor to get some more guidance back into my life. I had to drop Hospice volunteering because the early hours limited my availability for work. I'm hoping I can do some afternoon bereavement call volunteering.

developmental milestones

I tried to find something with as little text as possible:

Developmental Milestones

Good luck to all young parents and families. Remember that every child has his or her own pace of development. These milestones can occur before of after the 'appropriate' time. I would only worry if your child does not have any language, eye contact or motor movement close to a few months of the 'normal' range. If you have any concerns, be specific with your documentation or observations and contact a specialist.

learning and memory

My professor is highly critical of clinical psychology (he's a neuroscientist) and I guess I am as well--this idea of normality is so vague. People who cannot function with whatever brain or emotional imbalance should get diagnosed so they can receive treatment and learn to cope, but I don't know. He said something that made me piece together another part of my personal puzzle. I understand that there is childhood 'amnesia' purely because the brain is still pruning itself and working out the most efficient wiring techniques, so I do understand why languages or skills acquired during childhood would be more successful than those acquired during adulthood. The wiring is there and the connections between the entire brain have been strengthened over time. (it's the whole use it or lose it thing. i believe it's true.) Anyways, he said the entire purpose of memory is to learn and survivability. In a person who has not developed maladaptive thoughts or recalls memories over and over, he or she will remember things that serve a purpose for survival. We are more likely to retain something that is unique to other events in our life so we can retrieve it for future reference.

I was always confused with why my memories were so jumbled. He used this analogy of a card catalog system: when we experience something similar or new to something we already have memories about, this new information is put on that same "card" so details can be mixed up. He said instead of forming a new 'card' of information, if the experience is similar to something you've already 'catalogued' it will go onto that card. It's very cool to learn that knowledge is limitless but it's usually the 'jist' of an experience; we learn details. When we recall, there is this unconscious fabrication involved with explaining events we believe to be true and vivid recollections. Since we have only learned the important details, or purpose of an experience, our minds try their best to piece it all together in order to make a recollection appear seamless.

There have been studies of people who were on a polygraph telling unconcious fabrications that they believed to be true. Their brain waves and functioning appeared exactly the same as those who were telling the truth. So, I learned that eye-witness accounts and polygraphs are lousy evidence (~60% accurate). Hooray for our justice system. We respond differently to key terms, and "leading" questions can also affect answers as well. These are tests administered by and evaluated by people...

Anyways, back to me... I am the subject >_> I have been unable, for the life of me, forever... to recall events from the past correctly and I've always wondered, "Why?" I think I'm getting closer to my answer: my brain chooses to keep "important" information, and I guess I had no choice what I wanted to keep as a child. I remember trauma, pain, and some happiness. I'm assuming this is normal, but it can also be maladaptive. A classmate says he remembers near-death experiences when he was two. I am sure these memories were not removed during pruning because the brain acknowledged this information as important for later survival, "If i experience a similar event, I will use what I learned from it to survive" kinda mentality? I think. For me, I have jumbled routines as memories because that's basically what I have as my past. I cannot differentiate one day from another, my childhood was very monotonous (for me). I know it was fun, but as a teenager with depression, my emotions reinforced the memory of certain events over others.

I know something will trigger happy memories to resurface, but I can accept it not happening. I have learned to live in the present, and accept myself as all that I am. My past made me, but dwelling on the "why's" will not move me towards the "hows" I can improve.

respect for others

I might edit it later. but... I just wanted to blurb on how I've noticed there is a huge lack of empathy or ability for people to see how a situation is for someone else. Is it that difficult to be empathetic? I don't understand why the first response for so many is to try to convert someone into believing that their way of living or viewing a situation is the right one. I can't understand why it's difficult to step back from oneself and say, hey, this person does NOT see things the way I do, but it does not lower my standard of living, it does not affect my life at all, so I shouldn't let it bother me. Many still get angry at people who live different lifestyles or respond to something in an alternative method. Why can't there be a respect for others and agreement to disagree?

This was brought on by a family member disagreeing with my methods and reasoning for dealing with negative behaviors. I admit I'm still stubborn and will run my point through the wall to make sure someone understands and respects my perspective, but it's only to prove that there are many ways to see a situation, no view is better than the other; they are just different. I said I ignore negative behaviors and a person said that is a wrong way to go about it. I felt a little attacked, and I wanted to spew all my knowledge of my guidance and discipline class, my three years' worth of studying and practicing certain ABA techniques in the classroom, clinic, people's homes as well as in my own life. ABA principles are basically conditioning, so it's reinforcing the behavior you want to keep, and extinguishing the behavior you want to get rid of. It's very basic rules, extremely difficult to be consistent at especially if there is an emotional barrier between the person who has the negative behavior and the person who is trying to alter the behavior. I think having the ability to work with children who are not related to me (even though I truly care for them) has enabled me to develop this necessary skill to do what is necessary despite the emotional ramifications.

Many parents become numb at the sight of their children crying. They feel like they don't want to be the bad guy, or they get so frustrated at their child for having a tantrum. Well, children need boundaries, they need consequences that make sense, and this needs to come from a parent who is calm and collected, someone who has the ability to reason with logic and not emotion. Acknowledging a child's and parent's true emotions is necessary. It's important to be honest about how we feel so when the child grows up, he or she won't end up learning to disassociate from his emotions, or not understanding what will make him happy, angry, sad, anxious... it all starts at home.

Having the ability to empathize will not make this world a weak place, I think it will make us able to understand and accept that we all make different choices in life, and there should be no fear for people who are different. Instead, we can ask questions to learn more. I have not experienced being more scared after learning something new. It's this lack of respect and this constant feeling of superiority that castes a need for offense or war against "those who are not like me." I feel more at ease and at peace with the world with each sparkle of knowledge I put in my pocket. (My partner likes to disagree with my world view, and I accept it because of his life experiences and his culture. I will not alter my beliefs because of him though.)

Positive guidance techniques

why i blog, what i learned about grief

There is this funny disconnect with my blogging, and wanting others to understand me better through reading my thoughts, yet never directly asking anyone significant in my life to do so. The thoughts are just here, I secretly wish people in my life would read it, but a part of me does fear their judgment. A part of me secretly wants them to see the world how I do, yet I already know our values and acceptance of other perspectives are not as flexible as mine. And it's not wrong, it's just different, and I will respect that. So here are my thoughts, for ten years! I should have some one-person celebration lol. 10 year anniversary woot! I've never had one yet.

Another reason for blogging was I guess, due to my former passive aggressive personality traits, I had kept all my emotions inside never addressing them or working towards understanding my true self. Blogging helped me rationalize my maladaptive thought process and the negative emotions that resulted in them, and the negative life experiences (or lack of life experience due to fear) that resulted from that. It's cheap therapy. As long as the person seeks knowledge and appropriately applies it to ones own life without trying to "convert" others into believing things, I think the search for self and peace will be successful. I was a hardheaded preachy savior complex ridden college kid. Some of the preachiness lingers, only because I'm so passionate about learning unmedicated methods of healing, but I admit and accept when I'm being an ass. My partner will remind me when it's time to shut it lol. My past preachiness came from many things: not wanting children to experience unneeded pain from stupid parents (I wanted to fix my past by preventing pain in their lives), having a friend commit suicide and then another die in a car accident months later with no models of coping.

My parents never taught me about grief, mourning or coping with life's events. I don't blame them, and it's taken me years to understand that after a certain age, I can either stay like this and blame others and search for the "whys" I turned out this way, or I can accept it, search for ways of positive growth, and move on with my life a better person. When K died though, I wanted to relive his life, up to the point of suicide. I just learned that this is a very common step loved ones of murder victims and those who comit suicide do. They retrace the steps of murder or suicide thinking that this will bring closure, or a better understanding of the death. A reverand stated that this grief can last a lifetime because instead of addressing the pain, they took the route of revenge or suicide themselves. So, people need to address pain, accept loss and live life fully. It's not feeling guilty to be alive, it's living with people's memories instead of constant wishing they were still here. It's cheesy, but the person who died would want you to be happy, not forgetting them, but be happy.

The video also mentioned how some feel like letting go of the pain means letting go of this relationship with the person who died. Personally, I believe it. I have experienced being comfortable with depression because it was the strongest emotion that linked me to K. Looking back, I wish those Psychologists at the school I was at took me through the steps of grief, told me everyone grieves in their own way and where to go for resources. No one is perfect, I was sad for a friggin long time, but I'm ok now. I shouldn't hold grudges, I'm just hoping others will get the resources they need when tragedies happen. So if you're experiencing loss, finding a support group of nonjudging people is a good step. Family and friends sometimes don't know what to say because they're uncomfortable with the topic, or they don't want to hurt you. Silence doesn't mean they don't care, it just means they don't know what to say. Sometimes we need to tell people what we need. We're not perfect. I hope everyone will learn to cope with loss, and that the world in general will become more open to talking about it. It's less likely for us to be fearful of things we know than things we do not. <3

bump in the road

I'm quite proud of myself for being happy for so long, staying positive and working through negative thoughts. It's impossible to stay happy all the time, though. And it proves to me that it's something that needs to be practiced and appreciated through the dark moments. I mean, I know therapists go to other therapists to keep themselves in check. Gotta recharge and drain the negative energy... I also know this post is not similar to ones I've posted ten years ago when I was completely immersed in sadness. Never want to be like that again. Ever.

It's just a bummer right now to be in this lack of financial stability. I'm not blaming anyone, and I'm not going to put myself down for making this choice. I'm just stating how I feel at the moment, which will change with time and positive thinking. As of now though, I feel sad, a little stuck. I feel like people who give so much to others shouldn't have to worry about money. I have given up so much just to pursue my dream. I splurged on a top for Halloween. I spent $16 on myself after three months of not shopping for clothes. I cut out things I like to eat when we shop for groceries to save a few dollars, and although it was my choice to stop working and go to school, it still sucks! My partner and I feel guilty for turning people down for dinner dates. We intentionally eat before so we can share a plate.

We will get through this, because we've always gotten through the bumps. I'm almost done with the semester so I can get a full time job as well as finish up my last prerequisite.

*This isn't the place to offer advice. I will not move back into my parent's. My emotional health is worth more than saving $20,000 a year. There is too much past drama and unacknowledged pain or resentment to deal with. I'm focusing on my dream, and with money or not, I will reach it. I say that now, but I really wish we had a place where the payments were lower. I realize personality and values of others are something I cannot change, even though I try to preach to others my way of seeing or learning to change detrimental traits. If only I could put my brain into the brains of others for a second, maybe they could see how malleable we really are. I believe we are in control of our emotions, so I will be happy again.

GaGa

In an interview she said her first priority was the music, not the clothing, but I'm more interested in her character as well as garb. The whole artist persona is great, I believe she has the right intentions, and is receiving excellent feedback from those who are emotionally affected. Positive or not, the feedback is part of an artist's goal--to produce a visceral reaction, and I enjoy her calmness with it all. The confidence and feeling of world domination might be due to her youth, 23 is very young, but I would like to see that as positive as well.

And yeah, this stuff isn't new. Artists have been doing it for decades. I admire her for knowing her predecessors, their intent, and building on it in her own way. The thing about clothing and fashion for me might not be the same for Gaga. She adores high fashion, I don't really care for it, but I do like how it pushes the comfort of others. This is the question: Which clothing counts as functional, fashion, bizarre? If clothing were meant to be functional, the style would be extremely limited. We'd all be dressing like tribal people of some sort. She is not doing anything wrong. Everything we wear in this industrialized society has crossed the barrier of functionality to fashion, but it becomes a part of the culture. I'm sure besides the fact of it not appeasing the eyes, the sexual connotations are ones that this fundamentalist country bug about the most.

In a society still, where sexuality and understanding of one's body is deemed as offensive or morally wrong, even though women and minorities are being granted more equality, this personally inflicted awkwardness lingers. I assume this problem will continue for generations because of residual parenting and innate guilt of truly giving in to knowing oneself entirely, especially as an adult, about one's body or sexual identity. I am sure MANY would assume, "If I learn about my sexuality, the outcome will be orgy-rific and covered with STDs and fetish-type encounters." UH, why? LOL With everything comes the need to learn balance and self control. The definitions of sex will always vary from person to person, but I want people, especially women to have their voices heard, to be comfortable to tell her partner what she wants, desires, dislikes, so he or she knows exactly how to please her. It's not a sin, it's making love. It's not filthy to know one's body and to be honest to it.

I do not advocate teenage sex, or uneducated sex. That is just plain... it's not stupid, but it's rushing before your brain is fully developed, and making choices based on emotion rather than thought.