i've had opportunity to reflect on my life in terms of emotional awareness, memory and self. M confirmed my intentional short-term memory not being able to process events. my trauma may not be considered this to others, but it is my perception. he said it's my defense mechanism to survive. the thing is, when i had my depressed episodes for most of my life, let's say from the age of nine to twenty three, i can vividly recall memories that were linked to negatively potent emotion. if i weren't able to "shut down" during these emotionally straining events, i think i would be more of a mess than i am now. during my late teens, or maybe twenty i started feeling these emotional highs, and i just thought it's something most college kids feel... this sense of empowerment and invincibility. i did have inflated self-esteem and purpose. it felt nice. i was on this mission of art, passion and raising my army of little girls who would grow into confident, productive women.
I'm guessing the inflated self worth combined with quickly recurring weekends of fear and anxiety go hand-in-hand, just like the Dune song. I don't know if i could ever describe the feeling... i would cry and panic about not being able to scrub the tiles of the apartment well enough. i would clean in an empty apartment with the lights off and feel guilty for being where i was, and ashamed for needing to do this. my hands and fingers would itch, feel pain if i didn't have something for them to do. there was this build up of pressure in my chest and forehead constantly, and the movement of my hands, creating "order" seemed to alleviate this self-imposed stress.
i was misdiagnosed twice. antidepressants made me worse, and the sad thing about this is i had to wait for the right diagnosis simply because of how it works. i read up on this and as much as i dislike being categorized, i see my pattern of behavior and emotion is text-book. it's a relief to know others have had this enough for it to be written about. it feels nice to belong somewhere others can support you and not say, "there's nothing wrong, you're just a little too sensitive." it's wonderful to know i'm not making excuses when i'm not fully functional and there are tools for my growth. It's nice to have someone on my side. I've felt alone for so long. it just hurts to feel these emotions and never be able to just feel like i'm normal and it will pass. I didn't like hiding away and not being able to verbalize how i felt because of some out lash i'd receive from someone who just did not understand people are different.
I still feel alone, but I know it will get better.
sometimes i believe it.
so 2011. 2011 has welcomed me with an increase in anxiety and paranoia laced with pounding blood vessels throughout my brain. blurred vision and dizziness. abdominal pains and infection. these i can bear. the only thing i wish i didn't have to experience is this lack of passion, and numbness in my brain. i have an exam in a few hours and frankly, i don't care. i don't feel like it matters any more. i've been forgetting minute tasks throughout my day and feel out of place. my memory is becoming worse than before. i've had to put aside my pain to listen to others about how my sadness affects them. i've had to feel ashamed for impacting their lives because they cannot cope with my sadness. i've had to hide this sadness forever because instead of support i'd get anger and resentment. i'd get sarcasm (why do you still feel this way? get over it) so right now i'll continue hiding with this emotion until we all become desensitized a teeny bit more.
this is a down post LOL. i am sure in a few weeks i will be as upbeat and positive as others have seen me before.
I'm guessing the inflated self worth combined with quickly recurring weekends of fear and anxiety go hand-in-hand, just like the Dune song. I don't know if i could ever describe the feeling... i would cry and panic about not being able to scrub the tiles of the apartment well enough. i would clean in an empty apartment with the lights off and feel guilty for being where i was, and ashamed for needing to do this. my hands and fingers would itch, feel pain if i didn't have something for them to do. there was this build up of pressure in my chest and forehead constantly, and the movement of my hands, creating "order" seemed to alleviate this self-imposed stress.
i was misdiagnosed twice. antidepressants made me worse, and the sad thing about this is i had to wait for the right diagnosis simply because of how it works. i read up on this and as much as i dislike being categorized, i see my pattern of behavior and emotion is text-book. it's a relief to know others have had this enough for it to be written about. it feels nice to belong somewhere others can support you and not say, "there's nothing wrong, you're just a little too sensitive." it's wonderful to know i'm not making excuses when i'm not fully functional and there are tools for my growth. It's nice to have someone on my side. I've felt alone for so long. it just hurts to feel these emotions and never be able to just feel like i'm normal and it will pass. I didn't like hiding away and not being able to verbalize how i felt because of some out lash i'd receive from someone who just did not understand people are different.
I still feel alone, but I know it will get better.
sometimes i believe it.
so 2011. 2011 has welcomed me with an increase in anxiety and paranoia laced with pounding blood vessels throughout my brain. blurred vision and dizziness. abdominal pains and infection. these i can bear. the only thing i wish i didn't have to experience is this lack of passion, and numbness in my brain. i have an exam in a few hours and frankly, i don't care. i don't feel like it matters any more. i've been forgetting minute tasks throughout my day and feel out of place. my memory is becoming worse than before. i've had to put aside my pain to listen to others about how my sadness affects them. i've had to feel ashamed for impacting their lives because they cannot cope with my sadness. i've had to hide this sadness forever because instead of support i'd get anger and resentment. i'd get sarcasm (why do you still feel this way? get over it) so right now i'll continue hiding with this emotion until we all become desensitized a teeny bit more.
this is a down post LOL. i am sure in a few weeks i will be as upbeat and positive as others have seen me before.
